'Twasn't Greek to Lotka or Volterra

Well, I'm not a maths wizard, by any means, but computer models are used to illustrate dynamics of population density. The graph, above, shows a correlation between population densities of predators and prey. Naturally, as prey populations increase, more predators can be sustained. Likewise, as prey populations decrease, there's less to sustain a large population of predators. In the equation above, although I've always been known as El, or as "L" in the past, I'm represented in this instance as "N".

So, what's this to do with Sir Walter Scott, Aphrodite and the rest of the story? It may not appear obvious at this time, but we'll see how this fits in shortly as we get into more detail of the second episode.

Cave quicquam incipias quod paeniteat postea

Cave quicquam incipias, quod paeniteat postea

Minus decipitur, cui negatur celeriter.

During the first month or so as an ILW member, I'd received a great deal of advice from one prominent member that I'll refer to as BS. It was clear that BS had good comprehension of the immigration process, and always took time to prepare comprehensive answers to my many questions. There's no question that it was helpful to know the various options that lay before me, and when I consulted the immigration attorney in December it was handy to pose the various scenarios to him and receive confirmation that these were indeed accurate.

BS emailed me a couple of times, offering to continue to help and introducing himself and providing a little more detail as to his identity. I returned the courtesy, advising him of more details of the situation I had recently found myself in. The night of the invitation to the ILW chat room, BS was one member that also chose to participate. Upon receiving the instant message from "irritated" I chose to continue a conversation with him, rather than to enter the chat room. We quickly learned that we had a fair amount in common and a keenness to learn more about each other.

Within a matter of days, my new friend from ILW and I had begun chatting regularly ~ I enjoyed him immensely right from the beginning and the chemistry between us was clear. At the same time, BS continued to email with the hopes of getting to know me better. When I did not answer right away one comment made in a subsequent email from BS caused me to wonder if perhaps he had taken my friendliness the wrong way. Although I valued his advice, I was not interested in anything more than a friendship. In an interest to spare any hurt feelings, I chose to curtail some areas of discussion and keep the contact much less frequent and light, hoping that this was the right way to communicate that we shared different interests.

Beware of starting what one might later regret,

It's a lesser mistake to say "no" at once.

Prepped for a feast

rey is often immobilised through injection of debilitating venom, by wrapping prey in a silky cocoon for later consumption, or both. After injection of toxins, a masticating action of the fangs and maxillae reduces the prey's body and tissues to a chitinous liquid which, with the aid of a pumping pharynx, is sucked up into a funnel-type mouth. Little indigestible matter is consumed by the spider. That which does enter the system is eliminated in a crystallised form. The prey is drained dry, leaving an almost intact body husk behind. To the casual observer, they'd be none the wiser to the fact that the prey was severely compromised and near death.

Despite DF's departure in June 2003 more events occurred through the end of that year, put into play by both offenders. These waves of attack and threats to my safety and financial stability were, of course, a means to extract more from me. One such pressure tactic came in September 2003 when I had already ceased to pay the weekly stipend to DF from the jointly-owned operation. He'd been in default of the agreement to provide services and I fully intended not to have him continue to place a drain on what little resources remained. Drawing a line in the sand precipitated DF to steadfastly refuse to sign a new lease with the landlord, unless I complied with his aggressive demands. I didn't and the operation would continue functioning without a lease for the first time in more than 6 years and at a premium rental rate, as a consequence.

Then again, in early January 2004, a number of months into the second divorce process, DF sent an email asking to be bought out of the jointly-owned business. He established a price for his 50% portion that was ridiculous, claiming that the business was worth far more than it really was and for a business, mind you, that had no long-term lease in place, conducting operations on a month to month basis at a significant rental premium and had been severely compromised by DF's failure to tend to managerial duties. The instructions in the email indicated that I should give my response within 24 hours. Having absconded with the lion's share of the marital liquid assets and other items of value, I saw no need to entertain any buy out until the divorce was finalised, where a judge would determine how distribution of marital assets was be handled. I sent a reply that indicated that I was not interested in purchasing, but that he could, indeed, buy my share at the same price point if he wished. Of course, I received no response.

Six months had elapsed since he vanished and with no keys returned and actions that indicated no interest in preserving the success of our partnership or any intent on upholding his fiduciary duty, I kept watch by spending the vast majority of my hours in the building. It was during this time, while standing "guard" over any remaining assets I had, from dawn until the wee hours of the morning, that the ILW member who'd expressed interest in me and I would engage in chats.

Puris omnia pura

espite numerous assertions to the contrary, my identity as a citizen concerned that I'd been used as a tool for immigration benefit was questioned by many active on the immigration message board. I'll admit that many participants there were, themselves, aliens seeking information on protocol and procedure to become legal permanent residents and few were US citizens. I suppose it was natural for the majority to question my identity ~ I was certainly in the minority. Add to that the fact that the anonymous nature of posting under a moniker does permit anyone to assume any identity he or she chooses. What means would there be for a member to confirm the veracity of statements posted? I was new to the virtual environment, having neither chatted nor participated in online discussions before and the situation I was facing was real and the details shared accurate.

Within a matter of weeks, I became familiar with the monikers of a small group of 'regulars' there that seemed to be active on threads devoted to topics I'd queried. The doubt expressed by quite a few was frustrating, but I continued to participate. The forum provided valuable information from a variety of sources, but it also provided opportunity for me to communicate with other people. I was, after all, completely alone, recipient of yet a second petition for divorce from DF and addressing the requirement to answer the petition in a timely manner. I secured an attorney. The process of presenting the facts to my counsel, accompanied by bits and pieces of evidence I had collected over the course of the prior year, was the equivalent of assembling a complex puzzle. When the last piece was dropped into place it became evident to both of us, that the sequence of events had been carefully and methodically orchestrated. I'd entered a relationship and later married DF for all the right reasons so to see our relationship end in divorce was naturally a great disappointment, but acknowledging and accepting that this had all been conspired brought with it a range of other emotions.

Still reeling with the knowledge that DF had put me through so much mental torture in the reconciliation to affect his plan, but determined to be armed with as much information that I could, I continued to ask questions. Some resulted in debates on procedures that are not well-defined in immigration process that I can see now would be sufficient to cause people to get somewhat annoyed. But at that time in my life, I was in shock. The criticisms continued to include comments about reasons behind the moniker I'd selected. "Swissnut" was the ID that DF had used on eBay and the email address we'd both used, before he opened another to conceal his communications with KMC. I'd simply used Swissnut in registering for ILW. Why was it that no one believed me? How could anyone think that I'd made up the entire story? I could accept that in other circles, unfamiliar with immigration requirements, that the chronicle of events could appear a little far-fetched, but here amongst peers that knew acquisition of permanent residency was only "conditional" for some marriage-based petitions, I was still questioned.

ILW was my only outlet for communication and support and failing to convince members that I was genuine, one day in early January 2004, I decided to leave. I posted that I couldn't continue to visit a place where I was under attack, I felt I'd reached the end of my rope. Then one of the regulars posted that she'd established a chat room and invited a number of us. Thinking that I could better represent my sincerity in the chat room, I decided to create a Yahoo ID and join the conversation. It was only a matter of minutes before I would receive an instant message from "irritated" asking for instructions on how to enter the chat room....

Puris omnia pura

To the pure all things are pure

He was irritated

leeful would be the apt term for KMC's tone in the phone call I received on July 4th, 2003. She chose to break the news to me that DF had left the marriage permanently, and it provided a perfect opportunity for her to revel in what she claimed was the "ultimate victory". I'd been fierce competition for her since mid 2002, apparently, or so I was told. She took great comfort in revealing that they'd never ended their affair when DF returned to the marital home to take full advantage of what he had told her was "a marriage for benefit". It was in this conversation that I learned that she had pressed DF to make sure I endorsed and we submitted the I-751 in late April so that they could be sure of his continued stay in the USA. I remember the day I capitulated and signed it, after he pressured me for hours. He'd tried to palce the entire onus upon me, with his, "If you don't sign and I have to go back to Switzerland, it'll be your fault, you'll be the one who will have ruined this marriage!" To tidy up their illicit plan, DF had demanded that he take the I-751 package directly to the post office. Strange now in retrospect. At all other times, he'd never admit to having any cash, despite the fact that he didn't deposit his earnings in our joint bank account. Joint? There was no joint contribution. He was always only too happy to expect me to pay for everything!

I advised KMC of the USCIS requirement for DF to file a change of address form within 10 days and also requested that he file a change of address with the post office and remove his new vehicle from our insurance policy as soon as possible. Her answer was that he'd already taken care of that when he registered his new address at the Post Office a week or so ago. When I asked where he was staying so that I could mail the USCIS excerpt to him but she refused to disclose a new address, but suggested that he'd found an apartment on my side of town. I agreed to email him the information.

I was also given a message from DF that, legally, he was entitled to all of his personal property right away and that it should be packed up so that she could pick it up that week. There was no way either of them were coming back into my house, so I agreed to prepare the belongings and took that opportunity to request that the keys to the home and the business facility be returned at the same time, along with the marriage certificate and my birth certificate that had been missing since the first time DF moved out in late October 2002. She advised me that she knew where they were as evidently, she'd seen DF place it underneath the stiffened bottom flap of his gym bag.

The following day DF emailed instructions on when to have his things ready and claimed he did not have my birth certificate. In the end, my birth certificate appeared in a plain number 10 envelope, slipped in my mail box 13 months later; the keys to my home and office buildings would not be presented to me until September 2004. I had changed locks in the house in July 2003, but the key DF had to the offices was a master key and opened more than 140 locks, and so it was economically infeasible to change them. During all of that time, my company was essentially 'open' to the dynamic duo and they availed themselves of that on a number of occasions.

As arranged, in mid July 2003, I placed the personal clothing and sundries in the driveway and watched through the guest bedroom window as she and several others rolled in the driveway in various vehicles to load up. She made a point of waving, smugly; I nodded and turned away from the window. Just prior to what would have been our third anniversary, I arrived home to find a letter addressed to both KMC and DF at my home from what appeared to be the auto financing company. I presume she co-signed the purchase of his new Liberty. With no address for DF, I Xeroxed the envelope showing the manner in which it was addressed and forwarded it to KMC. A number of days later a box of new checks from a local bank in DF's name and with my home address arrived. I took them to the local branch of the bank and informed the bank manager that this was not DF's residence and would they make sure it was changed. I don't know what the final disposition of the checks was.

DF continued to leave messages on the jointly owned business phone that he required his weekly stipend, even though he refused to perform the functions of ordering, as had been the agreement. In August 2003, I received a hostile call from him one day asking why he had not received payment and demanding that it be left in the mailbox the next day, "or else". I dashed off a letter on company stationery advising him that no further payments would be made as long as he was delinquent in his duties. That was a mistake. Threats to "rip me to shreds" and to have me fired from my position by the shareholder group for some alleged "impropriety" ensued.

All of this was ongoing while I was trying to gain answers to some immigration questions on ILW. I was confused, feeling very vulnerable and needed to make sure I was clear on what I could or could not do. My posts on ILW were to discover what procedures were in place for a person in a situation like mine. A range of advice was offered by members on ILW. Some wise, some positive and some, well, rather critical. It was speculated that I was an alien masquerading as a US citizen to learn how to circumvent the system. None of that was true, of course. Looking back, I'm sure few could understand the position I was in at the time. I wanted to be certain that I had all the immigration information I needed. During the months after DF's departure, suspicious activities continued and a couple of days prior to Christmas 2003 I consulted an immigration attorney to review options and to discuss some information I had received from ILW members. Although it may not be easy to understand, I didn't know whom to trust. I'd been duped by those close to me, so it wasn't that the information I'd read on ILW was inaccurate, but I wanted to be sure.

I posted the advice I received from the immigration attorney on ILW on Christmas Eve, with the hope that it might serve to help others as well.

That's when I first noticed and later learned that one ILW member that had seen the flurry of posts was "irritated".

The ILW connection

aturally, one could question if this was just a case of a short marriage gone wrong or a more baleful case of two people engaging in and perpetrating fraud. I know that outsiders could purport that there are many relationships that fall to adultery, and could it not be entirely possible that this situation was no different. There was certainly evidence that could suggest that the only purpose for the reconciliation of the marriage was to secure financial benefits that DF would not necessarily have been afforded through the course of terminating a marriage of less than 2 years. There's also the issue of the immigration benefit ~ something that had equal value to KMC as it did to DF. She had openly stated that she would not move to Europe, so DF's permanent residency was critical to their continued relationship.

For immigration purposes, the only criterion required to secure permanent residency is that the alien beneficiary's intent upon entering the marriage was not solely for immigration benefit. Indeed, the actions of both of them through the reconciliation period did point very clearly to a plan, but when was that plan first conspired? As I stated earlier in this journal, I would learn later in 2003 what DF's state of mind was on our wedding day. But for now, I questioned if there was enough evidence to support a theory that I'd heard countless times from my family ~ that the entire marriage had been wrought with deception and that DF had ulterior and unspoken motives when we married.

After his departure, I searched for a psychologist to meet with. I'd been subjected to so much emotional abuse that I felt unsafe and terribly confused and vulnerable. Deception plays awful tricks on the victim. I'd been asked to restore trust after an affair, and it was that very trust that had permitted the dynamic duo to affect their objectives and for me to lose the support of my family. I questioned everything and yet I knew that trust is essential in any relationship and wanted to feel able to trust again and emerge from this episode as unscarred as possible. I recognised that my marriage was over and although I was disappointed reconciled myself to accepting that fact and prepared to move forward from this incident. During those counselling sessions I was plagued with one crucial question. I'd met a wonderful man that had turned into a monster. So which man was the real man, and which the illusion?

December 2003, after counselling for a period of six months, I experienced an epiphany. I was finally able, with the help of my counsellor, to identify not only the answer to my question, but also to better profile DF as a person. I'd been a pawn in a game. Nothing more. I was an object that had served its purpose, and when exhausted of purpose, I was totally dispensable. I had been rendered to that of an inanimate object. We together reached a place where, without hesitation, I could say that the good guy never existed. And my counsellor aptly put it to me this way. "El, a bad man can masquerade as a good guy any time, but no good guy could ever subject someone like you to the terror he has. The real DF is the bad guy, and the good, gentle, quiet man is the illusion".

Even in the most acrimonious divorces, after time, anger subsides and parties reach a point where civility resumes. I'd been gracious in the whole process, but DF's hostility continued, visceral and vehement.

Anxious to close this chapter in my life, and with no other outlet or support structure within reach, ILW was a vital place for information and possibly a place for comfort and friendship. Or was it?

"When sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions"

"If you prick us, do we not bleed?
If you tickle us, do we not laugh?
If you poison us, do we not die?
And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?"
The Merchant of Venice ~ Shakespeare

Vengeance ~ a normal, primal human reaction to feel entitled to retaliate against a person in response to an act of wrongdoing. In my opinion, what's critical here are the words "to feel entitled". Entitlement symbolises a right; yes, a right to be revengeful, ethically. The issue is that how one acts upon that right can be either constructive or destructive. Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy, psychiatrist and humanist developed the concept of "destructive entitlement." It refers to the ethical and psychological dynamics of relationships. Feeling entitled and being entitled are quite distinct and in many intimate relationships, the motivation for revenge is actually driven by a deep sense of justice and a deep loyalty to those who cared about us but injured us. Destructive entitlement is acting upon a sense of entitlement.

In Hamlet, a well-known drama of vows to carry out revenge for the death of his father. One issue that has subjected Hamlet to a range of interpretation is why does Hamlet deliberate so long before exacting his revenge? In fact, it takes Hamlet months before the deed is carried out. Perhaps Hamlet too, during this time, was sensitive to both the ethical and psychological implications and the difference between feelings of entitlement and acting upon that entitlement.

Gandhi once stated, "If we practice an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, soon the whole world will be blind and toothless".

In July 2003, I joined ILW, anxious to find answers to the immigration issue related to this act of deception by DF. I had nowhere to turn; no sounding board; noone to turn to for answers. At the outset many members questioned my motivations; many were critical of the volume of questions I posed; many would later come to the conclusion that I am simply a bitter US citizen looking for direction on how to exact revenge against an alien.

One thing that people that have not been deeply deceived fail to recognise is that a victim goes through a range of reactions before coming to closure. The first reactions are not of vengeance, but of shock. A victim, vulnerable and fragile, with few resources, I began to post on ILW. I embarked on a journey, from an act of deliberation, deceit and divorce. I expected the road to be long and arduous at times. What I did not expect was yet to come.....

When sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions".~ Hamlet, Shakespeare

"For I have sworn thee fair, and thought thee bright, who art as black as hell, as dark as night."

And so like prey, trapped in a web that had been crafted carefully, methodically and deliberately, I had been drained of the energies and resources that they required. As arachnid, both DF and KMC had danced across the web averting the viscid lines that they had spun, knowing that as I ventured forward, by virtue of their false pretenses, I would become entangled in the trap they had calculatedly set for me.

I was stunned and I replayed the events of the past year or more to see where I had been lead so astray.

• In the yahoo email account that DF and I had used as the email address for eBay purchases, a small innocuous folder bearing my name that I thought contained my emails to DF actually a receptacle for a series of emails dating from Christmas 2002 until April 2003, to and from KMC, spelling out the plan in great detail


• Emails exchanged with a declaration from DF that KMC was indeed the "love of his life"
• My emails had been placed in another folder named "done"
• My cell phone number in DF's old cell phone that I found in the driveway, now fully charged, was so respectfully listed in the phone book and on speed dial as "bitch"
• The boxes that contained the valuable collections that DF brought back to the home upon his return filled with garbage. The contents having been secreted away to KMC's home.
• The bank account in our joint names drained of all of the funds
• The equity from my home gone
• Tax returns submitted as joint returns
• Dividend checks that were directly deposited into our joint checking account gone
• A crippling mortgage rate of 8.99% on a home I had owned prior to our short marriage
• My truck whistled off and sold and its proceeds secreted away into a bank account in DF's name
• My separate assets prior to marriage ~ stock, ownership in two companies, money market accounts ~ now conveyed by agreement into our joint names
• All costs of the first and aborted divorce petition repaid to KMC by me in January
• A jointly owned company that had been abused and run-down by DF while he aided KMC in setting up a competitive venue
• And, most importantly, my endorsement on the I-751 immigration form to practically ensure DF's permanent residency
  
  
  
  Disowned by my family, alienated from employees and colleagues, two children that I'd supported for 8 years vanished
  
  I found myself completely alone...

Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum

Knowing when to speak and when to keep quiet is a good thing.

It would not be until Monday evening, that I first realised DF might not be returning. He had, after all, suggested that he'd be looking for a vehicle, and although I found it highly insulting that he didn't call, it was not as though he hadn't done this in the past (prior to our separation). His departure on Friday was, however, unannounced ~ he'd not even intimated that he was leaving the home. No good-bye, no "see you later". Nothing.

I tried calling the cell phone, expecting for him to answer while working at her place on Monday late afternoon. The call was directed into voice mail, but I chose not to leave a message. I hardly slept one moment that night, partially due to a horrible nagging feeling I had, and partially due to being naturally concerned that some sort of accident might have occurred. As I'd done on countless nights before, but perhaps with a different reason for concern, I lay awake listening for the hum of a car motor in the driveway.

By Tuesday evening, annoyed that I'd heard nothing and inclined to believe that had something untoward become of him I'd have heard from the police or a hospital by this time, I decided to contact KMC. She laughed when she heard my voice on the other end of the line. "I'm just calling to ask if I may speak with DF", I said. I'd rung her on her cell phone, although I did have a home number but refused to use it since I was concerned her young daughter might answer and I didn't wish to involve her anymore than she already had been. KMC had "used" her daughter often in the past by passing the phone to her so that she could mimic my voice or giggle at me at the end of any of KMC's conversations with me. I was appalled at the completely disrespectful manner in which the daughter was utilised by her mother and can thankfully say that I had never uttered a word to her but simply had waited, silently, until she hung up the phone.

It must have given KMC intense satisfaction to hear that I hadn't heard from DF for days. She remarked that she would tell him I had called when she next saw him. The conversation was reminiscent of others that were deliberately untrue that I'd had in prior weeks. One specifically with DF the weekend he said he was out of town buying a new vehicle, that is, the weekend after he'd already purchased a new Jeep with the proceeds from the sale of my truck. What he was unaware of is that I'd received a call on Friday afternoon from my insurance agent with questions about the adding a new vehicle that had been purchased the week prior to the household insurance policy. The ruse, designed to gain opportunity to spend a few days with KMC and have a ready excuse for not being at home. Anyway, in this call to KMC she found it hilarious that I had no idea what was going on.
Things like this had prompted me to go back through some records myself, and what I uncovered completed the puzzle. With clarity of what had really been going on and sickened by her attempt to continue the deception, a deep, throbbing pain ran down my arm into my palms, but I fought back the tears to end the call with a polite, "Thank you, good bye".

Trapped, paralysed

vents, afterward, would unfold in quick numbing succession as if by some premeditated design. The spider injects toxin into the prey, sufficient to paralyse it, then wraps it in a silken shroud to devour later.

After much deliberation and pressure from both of them, I agreed to remunerate DF after his departure, but not on a severance arrangement. I proposed that the company pay him the difference between what he was earning, and what I had negotiated with the replacement staff member. In return, DF would be required to continue performing managerial tasks that could be handled from off premises. Principally, this required a modicum of effort, perhaps 6 hours all told during the week and would be sufficient to more than adequately cover his child support payments. The stipend was to commence June 1, payable on a bi-weekly basis. DF came home from his new job with an agreement with the terms all laid out and asked me to sign it, as partner for the firm.

The mortgage company had remitted the pay out of the equity by a check made payable to me and I deposited it into the money market account on the following morning. DF asked that I transfer it into the joint checking account, as he was interested in looking for a new vehicle, since the truck was offered for sale and he'd had a buyer express interest in it. Since the title to the truck was in my name, and his work schedule would not permit leaving at all, he asked that I sign the truck over to him and then he could take care of the sale from the next town without asking for time off from his new job.

When DF came home that night he was driving KMC's sports car. When I enquired about the truck he said he'd sold it and agreed that he'd deposit the money in the joint checking account after looking for a new vehicle that following week-end. I agreed that we could test-drive some together, at which point he said, "A fellow from work knows a great dealer downstate and has offered to take me to a couple of places, I'll be going next Friday night after work and hope to find something to drive back before Sunday". Of course, I was not invited.

Friday morning, at 5:30am, and in normal fashion, DF left to go to work, and I never saw him again.

Some Cupid kill with arrows, some with traps.

Much Ado About Nothing ~ Shakespeare

A language without words

esources. Ah, yes! I'd learn soon how views towards resources were so different.

As a little background, while DF was enjoying the week-long tryst with KMC in Europe in early September 2002 and was not in touch with me until he arrived at the airport in the USA, my pal, Lake, that I'd owned since he was retired from the race track, became gravely ill.

We shared a special bond in the 15+ years we'd worked together ~ one that was constant and considerate. Lake always recognised my vehicle as I'd turn down the sandy lane. He'd lift up his head and greet me with a soft and breathy nuzzle. Despite his scale, being 17.1 hands, and his power, formerly a thoroughbred race horse, not once in the years we worked together did he ever kick, buck or try to ditch me. Ours was a language without words ~ displaying respect, loyalty and kindness.

Labour Day 2002, I'd headed out to the barn to see him, to find he wasn't in the paddock. When I entered the stable, the stable-hand ran over to greet me and tell me that Lake was off his food the prior night and had not eaten that morning, and was likely suffering from colic. They'd administered butyl and done whatever they could, but he wasn't showing improvement. Sure enough, Lake hardly moved when I opened the stall door. The vet had been summoned. I placed a halter on Lake and moved him out to the paddock to see if moving around would ease his discomfort. When the call came in from the vet, he announced that since it was a holiday and he was the only one on emergency calls it would take him a couple of hours to get to us. I watched Lake stand rigidly in the paddock, uninterested in grazing or moving at all and proceeded to prepare a shot of Banamine and walked him for an hour.

It was 2:00pm before the vet arrived, but this time Lake was in a drenched sweat and shaking and had not improved at all after the analgesic I'd given him. After performing a thorough examination, I knew, when he pulled a hypodermic from Lake's gut that was filled with blood that it was bad news. The options were presented to me. Emergency surgery at the nearest Equine Clinic immediately or euthanise him. Prognosis for survival ~ 50% chance he'd die before he arrived at the University Hospital. If he did manage to get to the clinic, only a 50% chance he'd survive the surgery. What to do?

The vet told me the trip the the hospital would take 5 hours and in a the stock trailer the trip itself would be far too uncomfortable for Lake. The only option was to air-lift him and that would be very expensive and would need to be done right away. The air-lift and attempt to save Lake could cost many thousands of dollars and then there were the surgery, recuperation and rehabilitation costs to consider on top of that. My relationship with Lake was worth more than money, yet I was married and I'd never consider making a decision to commit to spending that sort of money without consulting my husband. I called DF in Switzerland to reach the cell phone over and over again. I left messages for him to call me and why I needed to speak with him. No call was returned. I called his sister's place where he was staying ~ no answer. Finally, I called other members of his family, only to learn that they had no idea where he was. After several hours trying to reach him to no avail with Lake's condition worsening, I had to make a painful decision.

I walked Lake out of his stall where the examination had been done to his favourite paddock. The vet left us alone for a few minutes as he prepared two hypodermics. By this time Lake could hardly stand and I wrapped my arms around his neck and whispered in his ear, "I'm so sorry, I'm doing this because I love you and can't bear to see you suffer any more". He turned his head and pressed against me and then nuzzled my face one last time. Without words he communicated to me that he understood, and I believe he was both relieved that he wouldn't have to struggle anymore, but saddened that this would mean a final good-bye".

The vet dropped him in the paddock, I can still hear the thud from his 1350 pound frame falling to the ground; we covered him with a tarpaulin, pegged to the earth with tent stakes so that nothing would get to him before I could arrange for a front-end loader to pick him up and take him to a readied burial site the next day.

The following morning, in my family's vineyard, situated high on a grassy knoll on the peninsula with a view of both bays and rolling hills on which his spirit could roam, I buried Lake; a rock-steady, loyal and devoted friend.

This one's for you, Lake.

Intraspecific competition

As is evident from the first few posts of this blog, there's been a distinctly biological theme. Whereas biology is the science of life and living organisms ~ to include their morphology, function, evolution and distribution, ecology, or bionomics, is the science relating to the relationship those organisms have with each other and their habitat or environment.

The arachnid, a predatory figure and the web, the capture device ~ the behaviour of one organism and the resulting impact on another are symbolic and the series of episodes that occurred within my marriage and some that occurred after my divorce that will be revealed later on certainly bear much similarity.

An organism's survival is dependent upon the availability of resources within the environment. When resources are limited, competition ensues ~ competition being an interaction that is mutually detrimental to species that share the same resources and one that occurs when a resource is in short supply relative to the numbers seeking it. More specifically it is an interaction in which two or more individuals or species utilise the same limited resources. This can be further broken down to interspecific and intraspecific competition. Intraspecific competition occurs when members of one species interact to the detriment of each and for the same limited resources.

Competition for resources, the driving force of evolution and natural selection, results in the dominance of the variation of the species best suited for survival. Although Darwin posed that intraspecific competition results in organisms better suited for survival that would, over time, adapt and evolve to the environment in which they lived, let's hope in this instance that history will prove Darwin wrong.

Able in fable

Fable \Fa"ble\, v. t.

To feign; to invent; to devise, and speak of, as true or real; to tell of falsely.

In what had become typical fashion, KMC confirmed that her new operation would not have the ability to pay DF until it was better-established and continued to assert that financial independence was one of the reasons for the marriage breach in the first place. Strangely, both she and he continued to deny that any tryst or romantic relationship had occurred between them, a fact that would be clearly refuted by evidence to surface later. Nor was she aware of some of the evidence I had already uncovered. I said nothing. She went on to reproach me for forcing my husband to resign, claiming that the stress placed upon him would only serve to worsen the state of the marriage and pressed for me to agree to provide adequate financial support from the jointly-owned business so that he would not become reliant upon generosity that she'd be more than willing to offer as his good friend.

I asked her to cease calling me, as I had once before, but it made no difference. I hung up the phone only to find it rang several more times, and more odious comments were placed in voice mail.

The Wolf and the Lamb

The Wolf, meeting with a Lamb astray from the fold, resolved not to lay violent hands on him, but to find some plea to justify to the Lamb the Wolf's right to eat him. He thus addressed him: "Sirrah, last year you grossly insulted me." "Indeed," bleated the Lamb in a mournful tone of voice, "I was not then born." Then said the Wolf, "You feed in my pasture." "No, good sir," replied the Lamb, "I have not yet tasted grass." Again said the Wolf, "You drink of my well." "No," exclaimed the Lamb, "I never yet drank water, for as yet my mother's milk is both food and drink to me."

Upon which the Wolf seized him and ate him up, saying, "Well! I won't remain supperless, even though you refute every one of my imputations."

The tyrant will always find a pretext for his tyranny. ~ Aesop

The One-Eyed Doe

A Doe blind in one eye was accustomed to graze as near to the edge of the cliff as she possibly could, in the hope of securing her greater safety. She turned her sound eye towards the land that she might get the earliest tidings of the approach of hunter or hound, and her injured eye towards the sea, from whence she entertained no anticipation of danger. Some boatmen sailing by saw her, and taking a successful aim, mortally wounded her. Yielding up her last breath, she gasped forth this lament: "O wretched creature that I am! to take such precaution against the land, and after all to find this seashore, to which I had come for safety, so much more perilous".

Trouble comes from the direction we least expect it. ~ Aesop

Phenotypic plasticity

ursuant to the decision, the June 1 deadline was imminent for DF to leave our business and take up employment full time at KMC's operation and more demands were made by him, using the intervention of my family and partners as the perfect and logical excuse. He'd need to be compensated, in absentia, by our jointly-owned business until the new operation were capable of remunerating him equivalent to what he had been earning. With eyes filled with tears he sat in my office and made the proposition. "I'm doing this for us, you know, and it's the least you should do to make the transition easier" he claimed. "We're both lucky that KMC has offered me a position, and from this point on I want you to not only realise but demonstrate that!"

He passed a sheet of paper across the desk, upon which he'd jotted down what appeared to be the context of yet another agreement he wished for me to execute. I glanced at it and said that I believed our operation couldn't afford to compensate him for leaving, and that his own irrational and unprofessional behaviour had precipitated the decision of our 'landlord' to make such a demand. "What!" he exclaimed "It's severance and this is my business too, don't forget that. I could refuse to leave, you know?"

I shared that the best I could recommend would be a small stipend for one month and then he'd have to make sure the other operation were able to pay him. I'd hired someone to take over his duties and paying both for a protracted period of time would be a drain on the company. His response was less than appreciative. "Let's forget all this crap; let's sell everything and move to Europe next week. This is insane, you know I have children to support". I found his comment rather peculiar. He'd relied upon me to wire money to pay the child support for several years, his wages had rarely been used towards marital obligations and we'd lived on my income alone. I reiterated that a stipend for 30 days seemed reasonable. He stood up, slammed his fist on the desk and demanded that if I did not sign the agreement by that evening, he would remain and, per the requirement, I would be forced to leave my position. "I'll make sure of it; I don't want to leave and you and your group are forcing me to. I've been reasonable, let's not overlook that fact. What sort of a wife would not be supportive of her husband?"

He stormed out of the room and I did not hear from him until late that night. But the perfunctory call from KMC came in within a matter of minutes.

Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?

nlike the last trip, DF did keep in touch with me while he was in Europe. During one call, I'd mentioned something about the phone calls I was receiving from KMC, and he reiterated that they were simply business partners and that was all. I distinctly remember him saying to me "You're my wife. I want no other woman, nor do I need anyone else; I came back for you and I want to repair our marriage so please leave her out of it" and I agreed that I would not speak of her again, but reminded him that once trust was breached it required two to restore it and I thought I had been doing more than my part in that regard.

Before flying out he had left an outline of the agreements he'd wished for me to compose, transferring assets that were in my name alone, into our joint names, and asked how they were coming along. I told him that I felt it was out of my realm to draft legal documents, and that I would consult my attorney the following week to have her review them, but he was not pleased with that idea. "We've spent already a lot of money on lawyers and I don't want us to spend anymore! Whatever you draft will be OK" he advised. He was right in one respect. The aborted divorce petition had cost a fair amount of money (his portion less than my answer because KMC had some sort of 'special arrangement' with the attorney that represented him.

But I felt ill-at-ease and needed advice and so I tried to call my family, hoping to get some feedback or support. I hadn't spoken with any of my family for more than a minute or two since late January and although I'd made many attempts to mend the bridge, most had been unsuccessful. This was no exception and as soon as they heard that DF had required this they became angered and hung up the phone. I called back but the phone had been taken off the hook and remained that way for hours. I knew I was all alone.

In the days following DF's return from Switzerland I was juggling conversations with the bank and title company to ready for the closing and reviewing candidates to assume his position in the jointly owned business. A couple of days before the closing he called me to inform me that he had spoken with the mortgage officer and he would not be an obligor on the note, as previously arranged although he agreed to contribute to the payments. (Up to this point in our marriage, DF had contributed none of his earnings to the marriage. I had paid all of the bills). I was glad that he was now going to take more responsibility for underwriting our day-to-day living costs, for obvious reasons, but also because I felt it would make him think more about how he had frittered away in the past. However a sudden change in plans like this was an aggravation; we were set to close on the Friday afternoon and now he wanted me to call and change everything! He insisted, citing the lack of co-operation by my family and my sister's insisting that he leave our business and seek employment elsewhere as the grounds for his decision. Again, laying the blame at my feet, in so many words.

Removing so much equity from my home in this refinance for the purposes of having a large sum of money 'available' should DF wish to start another business and retire some debts was not a sound fiscal move and would change the rate of interest from 4.875 to 8.99 and I wasn't in support of that at all, in fact, it had increased the mortgage payment by 100% but he was resolute. "I don't want to feel at all indebted to your family and I want us to both feel financially independent, you know, have some money to fall back on and I don't know how soon it will be that I will be paid by KMC. It's a brand new operation and you know how that goes", he said.

The notary arrived at 2:00pm on Friday will all the papers. One of my employees escorted her into the lower level conference room just as DF arrived. Since the broker was located in a town 145 miles from here, the closing would be handled by the notary and the cash out check would be mailed. We were apprised that the check may take up to 20 days to arrive. Sitting in the conference room, the notary presented us both with a packet and left to make a phone call, quickly. I had a lump in my throat as I looked at the estimated monthly payment and looked at DF in the eyes and said "Since plans changed immediately prior to this closing, you are going to honour your word and help with the mortgage aren't you?". With that, he looked directly into my eyes and replied, "What kind of a man do you think I am?"

Deliciae, num is sum qui mentiar tibi? - Sweetheart, would I lie to you?

"Stabilimenta" in absentia

During DF's trip, the pressure did not subside, but came, principally, from KMC and her behind the scene machinations. Information as to my every move was leaking from my company to her and she and DF had made prior contact with the shareholders to suggest that there were acts of impropriety on my part within the organisation. I had little concern with these rumours, but I was keen to identify the source. My cell phone voicemail was the receptacle for more intimidating comments and harassment, ranging in subject matter from my mode of dress resembling that of a prostitute, to accusations that the modelling I had done when I was in my 20s was indeed for "favours" from photographers and comments to suggest that she had gained access to my financial affairs. I was clearly under surveillance and decided to move any sensitive information pertaining to the prior divorce action and my personal financial affairs to the safe in my office building.

Meanwhile, the mortgage closing on the refinance was scheduled for the week following DF's return, another ad for the truck was running in the local newspaper at DF's request and all tax returns had been submitted prior to the April 15th deadline.

In his absence, finding a little time on my hands, I decided to preview eBay to look for birthday gifts for the boys. The eBay account had been set up in mid-2001, mainly by DF to collect memorabilia from his native country and to begin a number of personal collections. In order to receive announcements and confirmations of bids a yahoo email account had been established, which DF and I also used to communicate with the boys and members of his extended family overseas. Consequently, we both had the access password. Seeing quite a range of items that I thought suitable, I saved the search terms, thinking that I'd check again when DF returned to get his feedback on the ideas.

The spiral threads that comprise the hub of a spider's web glisten in the sunlight, luring prey to light upon them, while the spider sits, a distance away and waits.

Neuro-toxins

irect contact, that is. Prior to her supplying a new cell to DF there'd been countless hang up calls at both office and home at times when he and I were together. Her vehicle became a constant feature on our street and cruising the parking yard of my office complex. Other strange things were happening within the ranks of my company, too. (The specifics would come to light a little later on).

Plans for our vacation that month were abruptly changed by DF, announcing that he wanted to visit the boys, alone, since he wouldn't be eligible for vacation time once he changed jobs, and held me responsible for that! In fact that same justification was used to reinforce his position and make even more demands. DF's standard comment was "If you really wanted this marriage to work, as I do, you'd not think twice about these requests". Any hesitation on my part to immediately comply and the why are you so "suspicious" and "lacking of trust" cards were played constantly.

That's when reinforcements began on her end. She had no compunction to call me and reinforce his position and question what my real motives were not to conform, all the while reaffirming that she and DF were simply friends and that I should be ashamed of myself for being the slightest bit suspicious. I'd not registered any suspicion, but I was more subdued, absorbing data and attempting to process it without the benefit of any type of sounding board, or neutral party with whom to confer. My head was spinning. Pressure was coming from both sides like incessant incoming artillery and I'd seen things that didn't make sense and yet, if I registered any doubt, I was quickly reproached and accused of not being able to forgive and reconcile, as I'd said I would.

DF would require a sizable sum of cash for his vacation, intent on making up for the trip the year prior when he had not seen the boys. It seemed to me that he was going through money like water and I queried when he would be paid for the contract he'd been working on for KMC since February. Once more, she rang in to confirm that her business would not have the ability to begin reimbursement until mid-summer after their grand opening and went through the list of DF's requirements to enquire if all had been accomplished. Astonished I politely told her to please stay out of our financial affairs and I didn't wish to hear from her again. Shortly thereafter I received an email from DF telling me to "drop my war with KMC" otherwise there'd be trouble. I wasn't warring with anyone, but I certainly did not approve of a third party telling me what to do with my marriage or our resources. From that point forward, "war" would become yet a common retort, added to the growing list.

DF was to fly out the third week in April. Refinancing the house would occur upon his return in middle May, naming us both obligors to the mortgage and withdrawing a significant amount of equity from the home that would purportedly be placed in our money market account so that he could begin preparation on the gym venue after he returned. Yes, he'd apparently decided this would be a go. None of it made sound economic sense to me, but once again, apprehension on my part was perceived as behaviour fitting of someone who was "controlling and suspicious" and contributing to further marriage breakdown. The agreements placing his name on the remaining assets that he wished for me to compose were presented to me, along with form I-751 to complete before his departure.

I asked for more time and registered that I'd seen things that I didn't think were indicative of a prevailing marriage (I'd also discovered a leak of vital information within my company, and was in the process of trying to find out who it was) but that didn't go over well with DF, and the artillery from KMC resumed in the form of messages left on my voice mail, advising me that his position within her company would be at jeopardy if she did not see evidence of his permanent residency prior to June 1. Although I was somewhat familiar with immigration procedures that we'd already encountered, I wasn't aware of any immigration requirement like that, but then I'd not really looked into it either. Under duress, I signed the petition the day prior to DF leaving for his trip.

You say gluttonous, I say glutinous

I felt rather strange entering the office building and heading to Suite 201. Mr. Vann had been kind enough to make time to meet with me the morning following my call. Naturally, he asked of my reason for the appointment and I shared that I wasn't really sure. I just needed to talk. I might have been the only client he had that was attending marriage counseling alone, but was hopeful that he could offer me some advice. I was given a questionnaire to fill out, and a second copy to take home to DF. Mr. Vann assured me that even if DF would not attend, the worksheet was designed, specifically, to identify sensitive areas and he'd be able to recommend practices even if I were the only one willing to attend and listen. Not wishing to preempt his suggestion and attempt to explain where I felt the problem lay, I complied and filled out the 5-page report and made an appointment for the following week, when I could return with DF's copy.

When I presented DF with the questionnaire and asked him to complete it and come with me the following week, he refused, muttering that he required no shrink to tell him how to live his life. "Mr. Vann is not a pyschiatrist, he's a marriage counselor that is willing to help us to put this marriage back on track", I said. "Same difference" he declared and picked up the newspaper, using the questionnaire as a convenient coaster for his tea cup. And there it remained for the next 4 weeks, untouched, incomplete, and used as a splat mat. I met with Mr. Vann for another 3 weeks in the hope that I could gain a few pointers on how to improve the situation myself. I have to admit after the fourth session, and without any input from DF, it seemed pointless to continue.

On my way to the counselling sessions, I'd passed a vacant building in a perfect spot that I thought would be a good location for a gym ~ a business venture DF had always expressed a keen desire to own. I recommended that he consider the idea and that I would assist in getting it put together and acquire the capitol to finance it. He found one excuse after another for not following through. In retrospect, I believe he liked the idea of ownership, but was apprehensive to undertake something entirely on his own, without me as a safety net. And so he proclaimed that he'd be joining KMC's operation on June 1. Of course, his agreement to leave our business by the end of the following month was predicated on a number of requirements that he made very explicit. Most to do with finances and having more access to money. That's when he first mentioned refinancing my house. There were several agreements he wanted to have in place, all to add his name to the titles of my separate property and assets. He also told me that he felt that unless I were willing to do so, what did that say of my commitment to the marriage? I had no problem adding his name to anything we jointly owned, and was willing to review anything he wished to put down on paper.

It would only be a matter of days before KMC would begin to make contact, again...........

Territorial or social?

earning that he would be required to leave the business sent DF to the roof. I explained that the alternative, for me to resign and place the income I provided in jeopardy made no economic sense. My salary was significantly higher than his as a President of a company and it was underwriting all of our day-to-day living costs, expenses and funding trips, entertainment and all of the children's schooling and personal needs. DF's income was used primarily for child support and to underwrite his personal spending when he visiting his family. I also recommended that we pursue the gym concept, but he would have nothing or it. "I'm not going to build a business single-handed" he insisted.

That's when I imagine a light bulb went off in his head and he then announced that he was considering assisting KMC in setting up her new establishment after the construction project was complete. Evidently, the temporary contract had evolved into a job offer to manage her competing operation, and despite my objections earlier, he'd already agreed to assist in setting it up ~ who knows whether he would have jumped on the opportunity or not, had it not been for the recent newsflash that he'd have to go. Nonetheless, he was certainly using that as his ready-made excuse, now.

I reminded him of the Partnership Agreement we had with clauses relating to proprietary information and that to take up employment with a competitor would be a breach of his fiduciary duty to our company, but he argued that he had no choice. This was ludicrous, because he knew that he'd find something to do, either financed by us or there was my family, who'd offered to start a new business for him, when he first arrived in the USA and was thinking of having a number of irons in the fire. I don't know if it was the apprehension of having all of the stress of a business operation on his hands or if he liked the idea of not having to be tied to it, but he objected to any solutions I suggested. He was resolute. He'd take a job with his former mistress and began to make demands on what he would need from me in order to agree to leave prior to June 1...

Double, double, toil and trouble

...Fire burn, and cauldron bubble ~ Macbeth, Shakepeare

Tolerance, or the capacity of an organism to handle unfavourable environmental conditions, varies relative to any number of factors. Individuals cope with painful and stressful situations differently and, for some, striking out at the source is the chosen path.

My partner in business, who’d witnessed much of the antagonism, unprofessional conduct and verbal abuse if anyone dared to confront DF or his cohort, made a recommendation that DF leave the premises. The two businesses, operating within the same facility, were unrelated except for my involvement in both and that the jointly-owned operation that DF and I shared was under a lease agreement with the main company for space.

I received written notification that the lease would not be renewed were DF to continue managing it. He had until May 31st to vacate and although I perceived this move as a little irrational, if I were not able to convince him to cooperate a threat that the board of directors would be approached to vote on whether I should be asked to resign my position as steward of the company. Indeed, in the past 6 months there had been numerous episodes to the detriment of both business activities and these had been without justification and totally out of line.

This new development posed some difficulty for me. Either way one of us would have to leave. Either DF or I. I set out to consider the best manner in which to handle this. Recognising that even a temporary loss of my income would impact our lifestyle far more than the loss of his (especially since his salary was used for his personal needs alone and to underwrite his child support. He contributed nothing of his income to our day-to-day living expenses. I knew, intuitively, that DF would have be the one to go.

But, the question was how to go about making this happen? How could I ask him to give up his position, without throwing a spanner in the works and also exposing myself to his wrath? The requirement to comply with the dictate and make sure it was completed before the beginning of May would play right into DF's hands, as what occurred in the next few weeks would surely demonstrate.

Inter caesa et porrecta

alentine's Day came and went with plans abruptly cancelled within 10 minutes of our scheduled reservation at a nearby restaurant. I was left standing in the foyer dressed in his favourite black dress as he dashed out of the door with claims that there was an emergency leak at the building site. I spent the evening curled up in front of the fire with a book. He did call later to apologise and had not forgotten a card, which he gave to me when came home later that night.

The following days he began to discuss plans he had to make some improvements to the house. A new hardwood floor in the dining room, French doors, and a conservatory bump out off the library. He wanted to get started as soon as possible, or rather as soon as his project was drawing to a close in the next town. He'd brought home a number of brochures of vacation places and recommended that prior to beginning we get away for a week or so, and we consulted the calendar to finalise on the first week of April. I would rearrange my schedule at work, and since my annual report was due by the end of the week, he suggested I get cracking on pulling together the accountants reports to file the tax returns for both businesses and our personal return before we left. Among the brochures were a couple of a new vehicle, a Jeep Liberty, DF felt we should buy. His reasoning was that travelling the miles he did in the truck to the next town was expensive, and once the building materials for the renovation were purchased and picked up, it might be more economical to sell the truck and buy something more fuel efficient. I'll admit the truck didn't offer exactly the best mileage.

When I woke the next morning there was a to-do list on the kitchen table indicating that I should transfer money into the joint checking account to cover the building materials and leave enough in there should we sell the truck that weekend and need to buy a new vehicle. This was not the only item on the list of things he thought we should accomplish before June ~ all lined out with project estimated completion dates. I'd imagined his haste was in anticipation of the boys joining us for the summer and wanting to have plenty of free time and things in the best of order, and so, of course, I went along with the plans.

Finalising the annual reports and conducting the shareholder meetings required a few late nights at the office that week, and DF took the opportunity to make headway on his project at the same time. By March 1, I was already well into the task of tax return preparation and looking forward to the getaway vacation later that month. Since his return it had been non-stop, and I'd missed the affections and time we used to spend just curled up with each other, and viewed the trip as an opportunity to get our intimacy back on track without any interruptions or intrusions.

I'd placed an advertisement for the truck in the local newspaper and was fielding calls for that. Each night DF would consult the list to see where we were with projects, hoping to strike one off each day.

There was a quick thaw in the second week of March. During the day much of the snow cover had melted and when I came home that evening and drew my car towards the garage door, I noticed something lying on the paving. I stopped the car and got out to find that it was a cell phone. Rather, I should say, it was the cell phone DF had lost in early February. I picked it up and slipped it into my briefcase. The next morning when I arrived at my office, the phone was completely discharged and so I left it on the conference table in my office, plugged in to recharge.

The next day, once it had charged sufficiently, I noticed the last call made was still showing on the display. Valentine's day and to KMC's home.

Later in March my father's condition worsened and he was scheduled for major spinal chord surgery. Apparently, the neurologist thought that his unsteadiness was due to calcified spurs on the inside of the spinal column that were pressing on the spinal chord. The surgery did have a fairly reasonable success rate, but my father's surgery would require an unorthodox entry to the spinal column. A specialist would come in from another state to perform the procedure. I was naturally quite ill at ease the day he was taken into hospital and very quiet until I'd been able to call the hospital to see how everything went and make sure that nothing went horribly wrong.

DF noticed my somber mood and I didn't have to utter a word before he grimaced and began to query if I'd something on my mind. He didn't like the fact that I had been so quiet that day. I was quiet. There was a rift in my family, and I knew it was nothing I alone could repair, but I worried about my father's health and well-being and that we'd not been on the best of terms, for quite obvious reasons. In addition, there were numerous thoughts racing through my mind, one was that as DF entered the house, clipped to his belt, was a cell phone.

Perhaps it was the concern for my Dad, or just a number of other odd circumstances and issues that had been mounting, but I commented, in fact for the first time since he'd come home in January, I asked a question. "Oh, I see you found your cell phone! Where was it?" I asked. His reply, "Yes, can you believe it. When I was cleaning the truck to show it this weekend, I found it. It had fallen behind the back of the seat".

Inter caesa et porrecta - There's many a slip twixt cup and lip

Fragile

It took several weeks for the news to reach my family that DF had asked to reconcile our marriage and had moved back in with me. Not that I was concealing anything, it's just that we'd lapsed into a minimal contact mode to spare further controversy. The "out-of-left-field" petition for divorce had shocked everyone in the family, and there was also much anger over the venom that had been spewed from the dynamic duo in public and infront of my sister. I continued to drop in on each household, once every few weeks, but kept visits short enough to evade any discussion that could enter the "no go zone".

One Sunday in mid- February 2003, I made a similar trek out on the peninsula to say hello. The reception was less than hospitable, in fact, the welcome I received was equivalent to the sting of a whip cracked across my face. In no uncertain terms I was told to make the choice between having a family or a husband. Dumbfounded, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I am, by nature, a pacifist and like to smooth out disagreements, rather than to inflame them. I shared that it was an impossible position to be placed in, and how could anyone expect me to be able to make such a choice.

I believe that is the first time I saw my ordinarily-genteel and highly sophisticated father lose his temper to the point where he escorted me from their house, and told me never to "grace the doorstep in the company of DF". I remember standing on the very same threshold that I'd crossed on my father's arm the day of my wedding, filled with sorrow and begging him not to place a wedge between me and them like that.

For the past countless years my parents were the picture of health ~ always very vital for their age. Unlike most people of their years, they spent their retirement taking on one architectural or landscape project after the next in their spacious home; blessed with the physical prowess of people decades younger (I guess I acquired that genetic trait too), much of the construction they handled themselves. It was not uncommon to find my Dad building foundations and concrete-block walls on any given day of the week. In recent months, both had rapidly become more feeble, tired and the onset paralleled the time when I learned that I was to be divorced. At first we all thought it was the impact of worry and concern for me, while on the emotional divorce roller coaster, that caused their health to deteriorate so suddenly.

However, I would later learn (at the end of 2003), that my family had information ~ a lot of crucial information ~ that was so painful for them to share with me as they knew it would break my heart to find out. They thought it best to keep from me. Perhaps carrying this secret as they did, to spare me pain, caused them not only ill health but also to react this way. (It would not be until December of that year that someone outside the family would come forward to share the crushing truth with me).

And this is the reason I've not let anyone in my family know how my life is today. To spare the only people that have ever cared for me, the way they had spared me.

FRAGILE ~ Sting
If blood will flow when flesh and steel are one

Drying in the colour of the evening sun

Tomorrow's rain will wash the stains away

But something in our minds will always stay

Perhaps this final act was meant

To clinch a lifetime's argument

That nothing comes from violence and nothing ever could

For all those born beneath an angry star

Lest we forget how fragile we are

On and on the rain will fall

Like tears from a star like tears from a star

On and on the rain will say

How fragile we are how fragile we are

On and on the rain will fall

Like tears from a star like tears from a star

On and on the rain will say

How fragile we are how fragile we are

Trophic interactions

ell, I'd guess that we all know that a food chain is the sequence of the organisms of an ecological community in which individuals feed on the members of the level below. In other words, they use them as a primary source of energy. Positioned at the top of any sequence is the super predator ~ a member that consumes others below it, but is, itself, neither consumed nor prey. I'm neither a biologist nor an ecologist, but I do know that single predator/single prey relationships are rare. Most prey are consumed by more than one predator, and the relationships between organisms are influenced by various environmental factors.

So how does this relate to the story line so far? Simply put, the sequence of events that occurred in the course of the next 2 years would demonstrate to me that "human relationships" were nothing more than one individual, me, being a vital source of energy for others. Two individual episodes, in rapid succession will clearly show how the terms prey, intraspecific competition and super predators played a key role in my life.

I'm not sure how DF got home that day. Nor did I care. Intuitively, or perhaps having been forewarned by KMC, he knew of her phone call to me. However, being the artful charismatic character that he was, he offered some explanation that was maybe intended to cast his former lover in a bad light in order to exonerate himself. I wasn't sure whom to believe, really. Her intrusion into our marriage for the purposes of splitting us up permanently was entirely plausible and surely not out of character, given what I knew of her. However, he was spending inordinate amounts of time away from the house, so I couldn't rule out the possibility that there was something between them, despite DF's assurance that they were simply friends and engaged in a business contract at the time.

Either way, in my role as his wife, I couldn't conscion undertaking scrutiny of his every move from that point on ~ that's inhuman and totally disrespectful, in my opinion. I know I'd resent it if I had given my word and someone would not accept it as truth, especially my life's partner. On the other hand, I'd never betray him. I have too much respect for relationships to be dishonest, whatever the cost.

I wanted to offer DF that which I'd expect from him and since trust is integral in restoring a marriage and I thought ours deserved a second chance, and he'd asked me to trust him. However, rather than go on blind faith, I chose to be more aware of my surroundings, circumstances and more observant of his behaviour and mannerisms. Taking this posture with DF also caused me to process similar data and information that I received from all persons with whom I had contact. I became a pensive reservoir of information, soaking up data and exuding little before it was thoroughly analysed. Perhaps not the most dynamic position to be in, but one necessary for survival.