Willful slaughter

ll-timed news that I'd been served yet a second petition for divorce by DF in late October raced through my company like a lightning bolt. Keen to keep the situation from becoming a topic of discussion at the water-cooler, especially at this crucial time in the season. I refrained from speaking to anyone about the matter. But, as DF and KMC had been a presence in the building for so long prior to his departure in June 2003, and had engaged in altercations with several of my employees, there was a natural curiosity as to the current state of affairs. This is when I first learned which of my longtime employees had been approached by KMC with a request that my every move be reported back to her. The employee didn't follow through with her request, or at least he claimed not to have, but KMC had expressed interest in knowing anything that I said about DF and was also keen to know if anyone that called or came to see me appeared to be either a family or immigration attorney.

December 2003 would turn out to be a month where a number of crucial facts came to light. Upon learning that DF's return to the marriage had ended in an abrupt departure and that the reconciliation was unsuccessful, a former employee of the jointly owned business and a guest at our wedding contacted me to deliver some news she'd withheld for a while, fearful to upset me, unnecessarily and hopeful that the marriage could indeed be salvaged. Apologetically, she shared that on the day of my wedding, while I was still getting ready, DF had appeared exceptionally quiet. Thinking he was experiencing pre-ceremony jitters, she enquired how he felt only to be gobsmacked by his reply. She shared that it wasn't that DF was nervous, or excited, at all. Quite the contrary, he was marrying because the fiancé visa was running out. Not surprising that I'd also learn in a WeihnachtsKarte that DF's best friend in Europe had declined to be best man because he sensed DF was marrying for all the "wrong reasons".

Although I'd heard comments as to DF's possible motivation before, I'd dismissed them all as idle speculation on the part of my family members and perhaps borne out of nothing more than a contempt for him and a severe distaste for his illicit affair and they way he had treated me, tthereafter

Notwithstanding, I too had wondered how someone that once loved me as he claimed could treat me in such a cruel manner during the reconciliation and could disappear without so much as a "good luck" or a "good bye". Especially in view of the fact that I'd been quite gracious in conceding victory to his paramour, KMC. Hearing this latest newsflash, and from someone who'd actually had a conversation with DF on the day of our marriage, however, was like having a spear thrust into my heart.

Betrayal, a violation of one's trust, is a profound, wrenching feeling. American playwright Deitz once said that betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. I'd been betrayed in marriage by way of his iillicitaffair, but betrayal of this sort compares to none other. I can't begin to explain the range of emotions that well up ~ dismay, shock, despair, anger, disappointment, deep pain, and humiliation ~ all at the same time.

Could it be a terrible misunderstanding? Could she have been mistaken? Was this at all possible? Had the entire marriage been a complete charade?