"Wrens make prey where eagles dare not perch"

The appearance of yet another imposter on the ILW newsgroup in mid-April 2004 caused another wave of drama, this time using a moniker that resembled mine. What began as pretty innocuous discourse soon evolved into veiled threats against my personal safety. It was disurbing to say the least. "Swissnut-t" was intent on pursuing the matter on the forum, even though I'd requested that the matter be settled in private through email. Yes, although many were wondering who this new culprit was, it was clear to me that it was none other than BS, up to his typical tricks.

It would have been nice for Irri (Doug)to chime in on ILW and offer me some moral support, especially since he was subject matter for many of the posts "Swissnut-t" made and I suspected the rash of vicious posts from "Swissnut-t" were in response to the one I'd made on Doug's behalf in late February. Unfortunately, irritated (Doug) would make only a couple of cameo appearances during the summer of 2004. Doug's work requirements and the restriction and monitoring of access to the Internet was prefectly understandable and explained why we only exchanged a handful of emails back and forth while he was stationed in San Diego for his project. Nonetheless, I continued to send him an email every couple of weeks keeping him informed of developments in my life. I was always delighted to hear from him even though it was not necessarily right away.


"The world is grown so bad, that wrens make prey where eagles dare not perch".

~ Macbeth, Shakespeare

To avoid a void is to make devoid

Apprehension is the word I'd select for the feeling I had on the day of the final divorce hearing. Not to end a marriage that I'd learned was rife with deceit, but to be forced to appear in a court room with DF, who I'd not seen since he vanished the year prior, and KMC, someone who'd derived intense pleasure inflicting as much emotional distress upon me. Notwithstanding, this last event was the last hurdle to overcome and then it would be clear road ahead for me.

After pulling into the court parking lot, I pysched myself up like a pro football player about to run onto the pitch, and whistled through the security checkpoint and up to the third floor court room, hoping not to catch a glimpse of either of them before meeting my attorney.

Ours was the second of two cases scheduled for the morning, and 10 minutes prior to being called the judge's assistant approached my attorney asking us to step outside the court room for a conference. We were escorted into a small room on the left and asked to take a seat. "The judge has asked me to inform you that the Court will not hear an annulment case. You'll have to settle for a simpledivorce in this matter" she declared. My attorney proceeded to ask a range of questions, to which answers would only serve to increase my state of despair.

The Judge entered our side-bar quarters about half an hour later and began to share information that was most upsetting. Essentially, in a nutshell, the Judge had read our counter-complaint for annulment, recognised that we wished to declare the marriage void ab initio due to information that had come to light in recent months of a conversation between DF and a guest at our wedding, but since this was an immigration-related matter the Judge declared that he was neither comfortable nor inclined to render a decision in that realm. I felt stripped of the legal right to do what I felt was not only necessary, but also correct under these special circumstances, but the Judge was resolute.

We continued to deliberate with the Judge in these small chambers, presenting our case, point by point, and attempting to provide him with necessary familiarity of the issues and a thumbnail recital of the terms of the Immigration and Nationality Act. At one point, seeing how increasingly more distressed I was becoming, the Judge ordered that we adjourn for an hour, in order for me to be able to relax and get some fresh air.

Late that afternoon we assembled, once more, in the light oak-trimmed court room, this time empty save for DF and his counsel and me and mine. The words echoed as DF was called to the stand to swear under both oath and penalty of perjury that he had no additional assets, nothing being held by another party and that he'd declared everything in his possession, including that which was in Swiss bank accounts.

The Judge required this pursuant to Sands v Sands,a case that established precedent to award to the injured party in a divorce, in whole, any undisclosed assets held by their spouse, under the doctrine of "unclean hands" and "estoppel".

DF looked out over the court room from the witness stand; our eyes met for the first time in more than a year as he declared that he had nothing in any bank accounts that he hadn't declared to the Court. Tears rolled down my face as I saw him stumble over the oath. It was clear DF didn't know what he was doing, was completely unaware of the potential penalty and was beyond the reach of his attorney, who was visibly floored to hear the Judge's caution and realised that they'd been taken by surprise. There's no way all of the money DF had placed his hands on was gone. A vehicle of mine he'd sold, equity money from my home, the contents of my bank accounts, his income, his retirement fund in Switzerland.

In the final judgment, offered some 6 hours after our arrival, the Court deemed the marriage terminated, specifically preserved right for me to pursue fraud and conspiracy as a separate cause of action, even though the claim arose out of a marriage, and instructed opposing counsel to draft the Consent Judgment of Divorce for my signature within 14 days.

The gavel dropped and in one resounding clang the matter was over. As we began to filter out of the court room the Judge made his way towards me, extended his hand to shake mine, and wished me well.

I can sum up the experience in one word ~ "pathos".

Not for DF, per se, but for the entire situation. I thought of the children and how I'd chosen not to pursue the fraud matter with USCIS, despite much urging from many, out of consideration for them and what impact a potential removal could have on their image of their father, and yet, in the end he might have committed perjury and had complicated his immigration process, anyway; a ten-year friendship that had evaporated into thin air, just as DF had that early morning in July 2003; a Judge, unwilling to entertain an annulment, which would have been a logical way to wrap up this matter, yet willing to ambush an unsophisticated party in the end; DF's look, like a deer frozen in the headlights, as he tripped over words in his oath and blundered with a statement that he had nothing in any bank account, yet was going to "write a check that afternoon to deposit money" in order to pay his bills. Deposit? Deposit what and from which account? He had declared all accounts had zero balances.

Finally, there was the judicial system in a small town, unfamiliar with immigration consequences, underpinnings or ramifications, and clearly impotent as a consequence. Devoid of due process in this instance, most probably due to the Court's trepidation to tread "unfamiliar ground" or it's interest to clear the docket and prohibit lengthy litigation, yet, so as to proffer a fair judgment, almost guaranteeing the requirement for further legal process by placing a complainant in a position where justice could not be served without another cause of action.

Yes, it was "pathos" alright!

A gulp of swallows

Perhaps it is my British upbringing that stimulated my fascination with collective nouns. When I was in grammar school, collective nouns were frequently subject matter for impromptu testing and, of course, many that were first introduced in the 15th century Book of St Albans on heraldry and hunting are now obsolete. However, many remain popular today. Some are quite poetic, others more appropriately founded on specific behavioural traits of a particular group of animals or birds. A murmuration of starlings aptly describes them coming home to roost, while a parliament of rooks clearly represents the clamour one would encounter as they congregate in their nests, not unlike the bickering in the House of Parliament.

Doug and I had exchanged a couple of emails in late March. However, a barrage of posts on the ILW site by BS and directed to me, that were partciularly scathing, uncomplimentary and relentless, would prompt me to write yet another quick email to Doug alerting him to the discussion.

At the same time that I was fending off unpleasant commentary on the ILW site, I was also once again under siege by KMC and DF, who phoned me to say that they were intending to post nude photographs of me on the Internet if I did not settle the divorce case to their satisfaction.

Of course no such naked photographs of me existed, but egged on and coached by KMC's voice in the background, DF was very deliberate in pointing out that he had a number of lingerie shots I'd done for my modelling portfolio, some years back, that'd suit the task. In unison they declared "Yes, but a lot can be done with an airbrush to doctor them up, so you'll appear naked to the Cyber world".

I swallowed hard, in an effort to conceal how disturbing their constant attacks of me were becoming, and calmly cautioned them that I wouldn't be blackmailed and misrepresented and would take the necessary steps to make sure they would not get away with it. "It's tantamount to extortion" I said, but they laughed gleefully and uttered "See you in Court" and then promptly hung up.

I was under siege from every direction; feeling extremely vulnerable and missing Doug's support terribly.

K overload ~ exceeding carrying capacity

In ecological terms the letter "K" symbolises carrying capacity ~ the maximum stable population size that any particular environment can support over a period of time. In other words, for any given organism there's a maximum number that can subsist, without consequential degradation of the habitat to such a degree wthat it could can no longer support them. Naturally, as population size approaches carrying capacity, availability of key resources declines.

In this recital, I'm once again taking some license as "K" also happens to represent one of the key characters whose intervention brought the carrying capacity to a point of virtual overload.

I'd been juggling a number of tasks at the end of March 2004. Preparing for my final divorce hearing, readying for the launch of a new season and pulling together tax figures on the still jointly-owned business. Until the decree absolute was issued, DF and I were still business partners, although he'd been in absentia for more than half a year, had committed acts in breach of his fiduciary duty to it, and had conscientiously attempted to hamper its continued success.

I was pleased to be able to draw together the profit and loss statements in sufficient time to mail them to his attoney's office more than two weeks in advance of the April 15th tax filing deadline. Although DF and I would file separate returns, as a joint-owner he'd be required to report 50% of any income/loss figures on his personal return. Hence, the need to provide him the figures.

Having mailed the information in what I believed was ample time for anyone to meet the tax deadline, I was shocked to be the target of more incoming artillery from none other than KMC on April 7th. She was ranting about how untimely the information was, and that I'd be required to prepare DF's tax return as both a function of my partnership responsibility and the delay in providing him the required information.

I politely informed her that I would not discuss business issues with her, in any event, and that in view of her competitive establishment, the information provided to DF's attorney was privileged and porprietary. It was laughable, really. With more than 8 days before the IRS deadline, all DF had to do for his particular return was enter the figure provided on a single line of his 1040 form, whereas my return involved many more schedules, yet I was capable enough to do them without any assistance, and had been doing so for decades. How complex could that possibly be?

I managed to comment that "due to circumstances and her association with a competing establishment, I could not show her the P & L statement and DF would be preparing his own return this year, unless he wished to be in breach of his partner agreement once more". I added that since the figures were more than straightforward to enter on an IRS 1040, that I was not DF's CPA and that if neither were competent enough to enter the figure, there was an H & R Block office that I was sure could do it for him for a mere $40.00. It shouldn't take more than a couple of hours to fill out the forms. My God, they had 8 days yet before they were approaching a critical time.

Nonetheless, this communication did not satisfy her, and it evoked more phone calls, which went straight into my voice mail, containing epithets and accusations that would make anyone's hair curl. I was to call to her immediately or "else". Naturally, I didn't comply, but braced for yet another round of aggressive acts.

Secure communication

ahoo!
Imagine my delight when I opened Yahoo email to find a quick note from Doug, right before the end of March. I'd been feeling very dejected ever since he disappeared without notice, but the first few words of his email perked up my spirits.

"Hi beautiful, I imagine you'd been wondering where I disappeared to all this time, I'm sorry for my ex-communicado status..." it began.

Now, after this short email, everything made sense. He'd left for his assignment out on the west coast in rather a hurry and was in a high security facility with little access to the Internet and all outgoing communications being monitored. He apologised for leaving me hanging and wanted to let me know he was thinking of me.

I appreciated the contact immensely and was eager to meet as he'd promised we would. Only 75 more days before his project would end and he'd be back in Tallahassee!

Nightingales without song

arch is typically a gloomy month in these parts. Winter's transition into spring brings unpredictable weather patterns. The sun periodically makes a brief showing only to disappear behind ominous clouds that roll in across the vast lakes and distribute alternating showers of rain, hail and sleet. The once stark, white piles of snow, now dirtied with road grime, tower in the parking lots as somber reminders of the harsh months that have passed.

Likewise, my spirits were dreary too. I missed the companionship I'd enjoyed so much and Doug's unannounced departure was uncharacteristic and contrary to his promise never to abandon me. It was hard not to reminisce on the months of witty discourse that we'd shared and not notice how days, now, were completely devoid of excitement and stimulation.

The "Famous Five" would congregate a couple of times during the remaining weeks in March. Conversations still focused on recent ILW drama and queries about our own "Julian's" absence. I'd made a pact with Doug not to share any personal details he'd offered about his life with anyone else, and so opinions would abound as to why he had simply vanished. Nor did I speak of the information I'd been given by the ILW administrator, either. Frankly, I didn't believe it, nor did I care or think it at all important.

It became clear to the group that my typical jovial demeanour had changed, somewhat. Our chats rarely lasted into the wee hours of the morning, as they had while "Julian" was present. I was sad and I suppose seeing that prompted the group to offer whatever comfort they could. Some came in the form of encouragement; some came in the form of advice for me to "forget him". Stoic in my loyalty to him, and confident that I knew him a little better, perhaps, than the rest, I was neither willing to accept that advice, nor inclined to believe that the friendship we'd developed could be forgotten like that. I'm sure, in retrospect, it was my intransigence that caused one of the group to reveal content of an earlier chat in which Doug had apparently declared some of his 'real' feelings towards me.

It was heartbreaking to read the words on the screen, let alone believe them. I was gazing at the computer screen; the chat between other members of our group rolling up the screen and disappearing out of sight. I was unable to respond, stunned and numb. A lump formed in my throat as I struggled to fight back the rush of tears that were welling in my eyes. Thank God, in this instance, that the computer screen conceals emotions. After a few minutes of enquiries from each of them if I was still online, I gathered myself to type the words "Yes, but I have to go now, good night! See you around".
This would be the last time the "Famous Five", or more specifically, the "Remaining Four", would chat.


Until spring comes, nightingales do not sing ~ Proverb

Pessimum periculum quod opertum latet

The ILW administrator replied to my email enquiry the first week of March. The email instructed me to call the New York office on the following Wednesday ~ the only day in the week when the administrator would be available by phone.

I made the call that was quickly connected to the manager in charge. He'd reviewed my request, written on behalf of Doug, enquiring as to the reason his posting privileges had been revoked the prior month. Doug didn't intend on posting anymore, but he was irritated that he'd been penalised without explanation and subsequent emails from him had been summarily dismissed. While the administrator or manager said couldn't divulge all of the pertinent details to me, he did indicate that ILW deemed "irritated" to be involved in the phantom posts on the board.

I asked how ILW had arrived at this conclusion. The manager shared that the phantom posts were not really the issue, but that ILW had a policy that no ID created by a member should imply either "moderator" or "administrator" status. I was confused.
"Look, I'm not really interested in someone who created an ID like that. I'm only interested in knowing why you took such an aggressive stance with my friend" I asked.
The manager replied, "The individual behind the various hijacked IDs and a 'moderator' ID IS your friend. The IP address was from an educational institution in Florida".
I queried, "Can you tell me which institution that would be?"
"Yes, Florida State" he answered.

Doug was teaching and conducting labs at a university in Tallahassee, the same institution. I asked for the IP address, but the manager told me he was not at liberty to divulge that either. Instead, he suggested that if I had either an IP address or an ISP address for my friend, he'd be more than willing to check to see if they matched. I fumbled, while cradling the phone on my neck, to open the first email Doug had sent to me to see if I could retrieve such information. I'd never taken a look at the header information before. I located two of the first three emails he'd sent to me in early January and rattled off the numbers.

"It's a check. Yes, that's right" the manager stated. "Not only the same institution, but the same dial up and Department", he said. Stunned, but not yet willing to believe that what was being said was true, I asked once more for the manager's last name to receive only the following comment,
"You can just call me Sam".


The worst danger is one that lurks unseen

Spring thaws

By mid-March it became patently clear that Doug had left early for his assignment out west. I received no answer to the three brief instant messages I'd left at the beginning of the month.

The divorce process was moving along; a court mediation scheduled but handled, principally, by our respective attorneys, since the mediator felt it unwise to have me in the room with DF. DF was cold, and discompassionate and KMC was circling in the hallway like a raptor waiting to seize the moment and swoop in to snatch what was left. The final divorce hearing was set for April. Since I'd answered DF's divorce petition with a request for an annulment, I was hopeful that the matter would be resolved very quickly.

Spring was just around the corner, never too soon in this region, I'll add. I looked forward to the termination of my marriage much like one views the first thaw after an arduous winter~ I was longing for it to be final so that I could move forward with much more exciting plans to meet Doug in person. On March 19th I dashed off a brief email to Doug at his Yahoo email address, hoping that he was doing well and to let him know I was missing him.

More ex-ploy-tation

Morning came and not too soon. I'd not rested well, partly due to keeping one ear open for any sound that could indicate forced entry, and due to my concern that I'd not heard much from Doug since the post was loaded to ILW. I was anxious to get to the office to see if there was an answer to my last instant message. Alas, nothing!

The next week or more was, nonetheless, disquieting. I never knew what I'd encounter when arriving home, after the threat made by KMC, and my time spent at the office was eerily empty of pleasant chats with Doug. The 15th of March was quickly approaching when he'd be leaving for the West coast. Not wishing to appear to inconsiderate of the multitude of things he might be readying in preparation for his departure, I dashed off another quick IM wishing him a great day, and asking that he at least let me know if he was receiving them.

It would be two weeks before I would learn, accidentally, through a colleague that the flurry of calls made by KMC was merely a ploy to inflict more emotional distress on me. One of her messages left on my cell phone that day began with "Hello, this is KMC. Your voicemail announcement sounds much too chipper and cheery. It should be much sadder for someone going through what you are..." and ended with an accusation that I "was a prostitute and slept with men for money".

On the very same night that KMC had called me to inform me that DF had been thrown out of her home and that he was fully intending to move back into mine, they encountered a mutual colleague at a local basketball game, and announced that they were celebrating (well, gloating really) at having successfully accomplished their goal.

This type of cruel behaviour would continue well beyond the day my divorce became final in the last week of April 2004.

Bio-logical theme abandoned?

Nope, not at all! I just needed to provide a little background before we proceed to the next episode. In fact, the tie-in with the environment will become even more evident shortly.

Remember, as I shared some time ago, the spider must paralyse prey with a toxic injection, necessary to begin to liquify the prey for easier digestion. Often prey is wrapped in a silky shroud and left attached to the web for later consumption.

I narrowly escaped extermination by wriggling from the sticky bond of the web and made my way slowly up the branch, from which the web was slung, searching for cover in the neighbouring pine-oak woodland; a habitat I thought would be much safer for me.

Pine-oak woodlands are the preferred environment for the Acorn woodpecker, (Melanerpes formicivorus, derived from the Latin "Formica" ~ the genus of hymenopterous insects and "vorus" ~ eating. Drilling holes in the bark of either a pine or oak to store nuts, which later become haven for grubs and other insects, provides a steady food source for the woodpecker. The image on the right, a good example of the handy food storage work of the Acorn woodpecker, is known as a "granary".

A 'sault of lions

As the saying goes, "If If March comes in like a lion, then it goes out like a lamb". Naturally, this is usually used to refer to weather patterns, but in this instance it has a much more all-encompassing suitability.

March 1, 2004 began on a bleak note. Temperatures had plummeted well below freezing the night prior, making the snow underfoot crunch and squeak as I trudged from the parking lot to the office building, well before dawn. Winds were raw and cutting and howled outside the windows of my office suite. I looked out over the coach to the windswept and frozen landscape beyond. There was one solitary person shovelling his car out of a snow bank. Other than that the streets were vacant. There was a true winter blizzard brewing.

In normal fashion, there was an offline from Doug awaiting my arrival. This time just a brief comment that he was glad to see I had posted the reply to BS, but that he'd have preferred if I'd not mentioned that he had been banned from ILW. I dashed off an instant message wishing him a good day and apologised for having included it. It was clear Doug was not yet online.

The day proceeded without interruption until late afternoon when my cell phone rang and without looking at the number I answered.
There was no salutation or greeting, just an exclamation, "I need to talk to you !". I paused, briefly, as I identified that it was none other than KMC's raspy and utterly-common voice at the end of the line. In recent months she was applying pressure tactics and threatening me through members of my staff, associates and partners and had interfered with my personal financial affairs. For the most part it was done indirectly and surreptitiously, but I was acutely aware of her machinations. Her's and DF's direct contact with me had subsided at the end of the prior year, except for his call and email in February to try to swindle yet another $10,000 out of me. Now another wave of attack was being launched.

I interrupted her, and said "I have nothing to say to you", but before I could complete the statement she added "He's on his way home...". I gulped as my heart began to race and I shuddered to think what on earth was going on. I fumbled for my coat while holding the cell phone to my ear and dashed down the flight of stairs, three steps at a time, to race out of the building to my vehicle. All the while I could hear her hoarse voice yapping on the other end of the line. Once I had the vehicle started, I added, "No he's not" and pointed the vehicle in the direction of my home.

There's no sense in rushing. He'll be there before you get there" she said gleefully "and you can't stop him, it's his house too!". I needed both hands to navigate the snow drifts that had piled up on the roads during the day. No one had reported to work and even the ploughs had only just begun to clear the major streets. My 4-wheel drive was immensely helpful as I tried to gather as much speed as possible to make the 2+ mile journey home.

"No he's not" I exclaimed, "if I have to get the National Guard to keep him out, I shall!" and promptly hung up. I raced up the driveway to see fresh tyre marks that lead to the garage door, and then reversed. Could it be he had already been and gone? Was he waiting up the road until I opened the garage? I pressed the door opener, and slipped under, just barely missing the base of the door with the roof rack. Once the rear bumper of my car crossed the threshhold I pressed the door again to close immediately behind me.

I flung the car door open and grabbed spades, shovels and any garden implement within range to wedge in the door to prevent it from rolling up more than a few inches. I scrambled to get a ladder to disengage the automatic door opener on both bays of the garage. And then I waited in the darkness of the garage.

All I could hear was my heart pounding and the cell phone ringing incessantly. After a call had obviously been picked up by my voice mail, another call would ring, so much so that it was impossible to make a call without taking the chance that I would accidentally answer an incoming call. I made my way inside to the kitchen to get the home phone. Before I could retrieve the receiver, another call. Ring!!!! I picked up and hung up, immediately, to get an open line and called my attorney, while heading down the corridor to the upstairs guest bedroom to the window overlooking the garage to keep watch.

My attorney's partner was the only one in the office and quite unfamiliar with my case. He advised me that there was little that could be done if, indeed, my estranged husband intended to move back in. I was crestfallen, thanked him, left a message for my attorney to call as soon as possible and proceeded to contact my psychologist. She thought it unwise to leave the house to meet with her and volunteered to make a few calls herself to solicit help. Relieved that she understood how stressful the thought was that DF could return, she assured me to keep her informed should DF arrive and to try to relax in the meantime. She knew that I had been harrassed and the victim of a tremendous amount of distress at the hands of KMC and DF the prior year. She promised to keep calling my attorney and the Women's Resource Centre, to see if anyone could call and check up on me later that evening.

Once settled at the base of the window with a cup of coffee in hand, I listened to the voice mail messages that KMC had left. The wind was howling, snow swirling in the driveway below, but KMC's messages brought a deeper chill to me. She was sending DF back to me, whether I agreed or not. I remained crouched by the window for the better part of the night, straining my eyes in the darkness to see if anyone pulled up.

On top of all of this upset, when I logged onto Yahoo later that night, Doug had not responded to my instant message ~ I felt helpless and alone.

"Confidence of the Famous Five Tested"

The knowledge that Doug was feeling emotionally overwhelmed caused me to press on with my work the last two days in February. Strangely, there were no offline messages from him during this time, and even though I was wondering how he was doing I didn't make contact hoping that he would appreciate the space.

I reflected on a situation earlier in the month when he was up against a big deadline at work. We'd not chatted for a number of days, and I was having a devil of a time with my computer that culminated in calling in tech support to work on it. Consequently, two days had passed without contact. Having heard nothing from me, Doug sent an email to me that read....

"I miss you terribly and I wish I could get this work out of the way so we could chat again. But, I don't dare look at messenger or ILW for fear that I'll get sucked in for more time. I'm sure this must seem unfair to you. I hope you can understand why I have had to get tough with myself. But, I really wish you would email back so I know you are not mad at me or something. If you are, I'd like to hear back just so I know you are at least getting my emails. Hugs ".

Similarly, after a two day respite at the end of February, suddenly in the afternoon an IM popped on my screen with the following message from him "You've been awfully silent - how are things? Haven't heard from ya in days... I replied, "How are your burned fingers? Better? Just trying to give you space, that's all...."

The thought that he could at any time perceive my contact as pressure or doubt my motives would be a great disappointment....but then there was the tidbit of information that "Dick" had shared with me, over which I had ruminated for the last 2 days that was both very difficult to believe and accept and worrying to the point that I'd been in touch with "Dick" by email to try to understand the basis upon which it had been offered.

I was trying not to telegraph any concern, but Doug sensed some anyway that afternoon. I didn't want any uncertainty between us when he left. I shared that I'd learnt something from "Dick" that was disconcerting, but didn't really wish to discuss it, let alone consider it. He pressed me to reveal, claiming that if something had upset me it mattered "big time" to him. I didn't wish to cause any trouble between them again, as I had, inadvertently, in the past, and hoped the matter would be dropped. Doug was insistent so I shared that "Dick" had revealed that Doug had never cared for me, that it was all in my mind.

Doug was quite annoyed that anything he had said would be charcterised in such a way, and asked me to contemplate the possibility that it was a third party interpretation.

"El, you should be able to determine the validity of those statements. If after all of the lengthy discussion, you cannot determine fact from fiction then I can do nothing but disappear forever. If someone said to you 'Your mother never loved you'. You would dismiss and move on. Please bear my analogy in mind."

"You are a good person. Let's just say there are many other things in my life that I have not discussed, nor that I wish to discuss at this juncture. If there comes a time that our paths cross, I will share some of that with you and you will understand my trepidation. I know a lot doesn't make sense now but you don't even know 1/4 of my story. My actions would be more interpretable if you knew more."

We continued to chat for a while and then he announced that he had a dinner appointment to prepare for at 19:30 and would have to rush. I wished him a pleasant evening, and we logged off.

Later that evening, carefully crafted and reviewed during our earlier conversation that day, I posted the reply to BS on the ILW message board, and sent a quick instant message to Doug alerting him that the reply was now "live".

To fright a bird is not the way to catch it

To fright a bird is not the way to catch it.
On ne prend pas les oiseaux à la tartarelle.

Pamela Brewer, PhD describes the enormity of the reaction to "betrayal". It’s one thing to be disappointed, saddened, and unhappy; but it’s altogether another to have been betrayed and lied to in a way that is humiliating; defiled by someone whom you trusted ~ someone in whom you placed your belief, your hopes, perhaps your love. Perhaps it is in the enormity of the false representation, or the complexity of the subterfuge, or the completeness with which the trust was given that determines how a future after betrayal will manifest itself…

Trust is a gift. That you would trust and honor you both with one of the greatest gifts one human can offer to another, makes the betrayer the person who is sorely lacking and the quality of the perceived connection between the parties that determines whether the injustice feels like betrayal or simply an unpleasant event or behavior.

We've all experienced, at one time, someone you feel no particular connection to that promises to do something and later fails to follow-through. No doubt the reaction might be upset, disappointment, even anger. But the despair so often associated with betrayal comes only when the experience is one of a profound, wrenching violation of your faith in another. The sense of betrayal can be accompanied by a self-anger, a new/renewed distrust of self, a new/renewed fear of self, and the decision-making skills you possess.

Knowing and having experienced betrayal at its worst at the hand of DF and KMC, was the very reason that I could empathise with Doug and his occasional fear of emotional vulnerability. He'd been involved with a bikini model for some years, and when his work often took him out of town for months at end he'd returned to learn that she had taken up with another. As he termed it, she was leaving for the airport to travel to Hawaii with her new found love. It was devastating for him.

I could understand the concern to find out that anyone he was becoming involved with was genuine and not attracted to him for the wrong reasons. I was willing and prepared to take it slowly and earn his trust. Towards the end of February, knowing he would be on the road again for a number of months, although it was a little disconcerting to read his words, I knew that time would show him that I was not going to ever take advantage of his vulnerability.

"The waters have become a little choppy" he said, using the analogy of a yacht attempting to moor in the harbour. He was feeling a little ill-prepared for any emotional ups and downs and went on to say "I need to sail out to sea until the waters are calmer". I hoped, in the next few weeks before he left for San Diego, to show him that there was no reason to be concerned or to feel uncomfortable about emotional vulnerability. I would help him guide the vessel safely to shore.

Seasonal migration

After his access was restricted on the ILW newsgroup, we'd discussed the nature of a response to BS's post, but hadn't determined when it should occur. Doug had a very critical meeting on February 27th, 2004 (associated with the culmination of his long-term 7 year project) and would not be online for the majority of the day. I took this opportunity to fashion the reply, anxious to hear from him later that night in order to review it for accuracy.

February and March is still very wintery in my territory of the USA and on this particular night Doug had to remind himself that temperatures were unlike Tallahassee. He'd grown up in upstate New York and spent many a winter there in the Adirondacks in Jefferson county near the Canadian border. Having moved to Florida to pursue his advanced degrees (an MS and a PhD), it had been some years since he'd spent an entire winter in the north. When he commented that at the celebratory dinner he'd shared with the team that helped on his project that evening that they'd not been able to sit on the terrace of his favourite sushi bar due to a chilly 55 degrees, I'd responded that it would feel positively balmy compared to the minus ten degrees outside my office. But his chats brought warmth to my days even though I knew it was not more than two weeks before he would head out west on his project. I savoured each opportunity we could talk, either on the computer, or on voice chat, knowing that his work schedule for the following 3 months might preclude as much contact as we'd had in the past two.


For this reason, I was a little anxious that night when he declared that he was looking forward to the upcoming break. It was bittersweet for me. The time he would be gone would be a little difficult, for me, of course. I'd grown so accustomed to his presence and the ten or more hours each day we'd spend on Yahoo messenger. Nevertheless, once he'd return to the East in 90 days, it would be a new season and a chance for a fresh start.

Let sleeping pups lie..

B. F. Skinner best described the consequence of a particular behaviour on the future occurrence of that behaviour in four methods of Operant Conditioning, which can either strengthen or weaken behaviour. Positive and negative reinforcement are used to strengthen, while punishment and extinction are used to weaken behaviour.

Utilising positive reinforcement, a reward is offered when the subject exhibits the behaviour desired. Alternatively, the same desired behaviour could be achieved by removing a negative condition, known as negative reinforcement. Punishment forces a subject to reduce its activity by applying a negative condition at times when the desired behaviour is not exhibited. It promotes the subject to exhibit alternative behaviour. While extinction uses neither a positive nor negative condition to certain behaviour that ultimately results in the subject ceasing the activity completely, because while no punishment occurs, no positive reward exist either.

After peculiar activities of the imposter were evident on ILW, it was hard not to sense a slight detachment by Doug. I wondered if he had lost confidence in my trustworthiness, after others speculated that I could have been the person behind the strange Clark Reynolds post. Doug assured me that he believed I wasn't responsible and that he was not engaging in avoidance behaviour, but felt the need to press on with his work for fear he'd place his career in jeopardy. He'd already aptly referred to our chats as having the same affect on him as a sip would be to an alcoholic. One sip was enough to get him drawn back in, and he couldn't take that chance, at this point, with his trip to San Diego imminent and lots of preparations to make.

Still, with that trip looming in the nearing weeks, I tried not to appear disappointed, but it must have been clear to him that I was a little anxious that without contact information for him out West, we could lose touch. I'd shared that my greatest concern was that after becoming close with someone he could go "poof" and that would hurt me terribly ~ there'd been too many unannounced goodbyes in the last year and I'd been left completely alone and did not wish to go through that once more.

I knew from earlier conversations that his introduction to the tourist world many years ago was out in the Pacific NorthWest in San Juans, a spot just north of Seattle. He said he'd worked on location logistics for a commercial using whales. I suspected that it could be a facility like Sea World, but he didn't specify. Nonetheless, seeing my apprehension he tried to convey his preference that I relax a little bit. He recognised that his reluctance to be as open as he had wanted to be, a left over from a prior hurt, had caused me to be more insecure than he'd hoped. He shared the principle of Operant Conditioning, alluding to the fact that he'd used it in the past when training.

"I can make a dog do just about anything" he went on. "There are two ways. One is to reward behaviour that I want, the other is to use a stick". Of course method two, employing punishment or threat of punishment, could derive the same result, but Doug continued to say, "I hope you can guess which method I'd prefer". I was convinced it'd be the positive reinforcement and promised that I'd try a little harder not to be nervous. His last statement made that promise so much easier.

"El, I am NOT, NOT, NOT going to abandon you".

For the first time in years I felt safe, very hopeful and extremely content.

Good angel; bad angel!

ccording to theologians of the medieval age, there's a hierarchy amongst angels. The levels referred to as an angelic choir. At the base of the hierarchy, the guardian angel, concerned with human affairs and assigned to an individual, is a messenger.

Convention portrays angels with wings, necessary to symbolise their spiritual role. Their wisdom and all encompassing knowledge is intended to provide them with good judgment, but since angels can be both powerful and dreadful, they're not necessarily infallible.

Doug mentioned in early January that he'd initially made contact with me in the ILW chat room to apologise for some comments that he'd directed at me on the ILW forum. "Inane" was the term he used. It hadn't become clear to him what horrible issues I was grappling with until I posted that I would be leaving the board. He'd wanted to offer support to me at what was clearly a difficult time. That was his initial intent. It changed within a matter of days.

We had what was an immediate and an inexplicable attraction that was difficult to temper. By late February, despite Doug's attempts to keep things on an emotionally even plane and not to introduce any additional variables until I had finalised my divorce, he often fell prey to what he claimed was my "passionate side". He'd been sent as a "guardian angel" to help me back on my feet, yet aware that he was finding difficulty not becoming emotionally involved, we joked about the good angel, bad angel dynamics and how Doug might be reassigned for breaching his angel duties.

The good angel swooped in on a mission, principally, to bolster my fragile self-esteem, having been emotionally drained by DF and KMC's antics. But at times a bad angel emerged as he commited angel improprieties in becoming too attached and personally attracted to his subject and wishing to follow through on that. The discourse we shared would be a constant battle to keep the "bad angel" at bay and let the "good angel" prevail. We failed miserably, most of the time...but it was OK with me. He was enchanting.

À chaque fou plaît sa marotte

Although not the centre of our discussions, by any means, the fact that Doug's Yahoo chat ID had been used in a post on ILW in mid-February was disconcerting to say the least. All members of the "Famous Five" were instantly suspect.

We recalled the first night that all of us had joined in an ILW friends chat room, set up by Still Learning. That night, I'd created a Yahoo chat ID that was similar to the swissnut moniker I used on ILW in order to enter the chat room, but had spent most of my time in a private chat with Doug, instead. Doug had entered the room briefly, but later resorted to chatting with me in private. Furthermore, Doug's Yahoo ID used in the chat room, was not the same as the "irritated" moniker he'd used on ILW. We racked our brains to recall anyone that might have entered the room, long enough to see the ID he used to later try to discredit him or me on the ILW message board. For the most part, only the "Famous Five" had participated to any degree in the chat room, but Doug and I also remembered BS made an appearance, as well.

Doug shared with me that BS had asked why I wasn't actively participating in the ILW friends chat room that night, after I had posted an invitation for others to join us over there. Doug sensed BS was disinterested in anyone else in the chat room other than me and had commented to that effect at one point in the evening. It was from this knowledge and a recent post by BS that Doug and I began to fashion a reply, that I would later post myself, since Doug had been banned access to ILW after the Clark Reynolds post, we surmised. We'd both noted a rash of recent brand new members on ILW that had made posts directed, specifically, to BS, yet had not been active on the board long enough to have had any personal knowledge of BS's extensive grasp of immigration protocol. It all seemed too strange. We wondered if these members had been created by BS, himself, to draw attention to his vast familiarity with procedure without appearing, openly, to be patting himself on the back.

À chaque fou plaît sa marotte.
Every ass loves to hear himself bray.

Nidus, nidi, nidic ~ nidicolous!

No, I haven't muddled up Caesar's famous statement, but this word and its derivation plays an very important role in this exposé. It's said, "a picture's worth a thousand words". Perhaps then, it'd be logical to also say that in some instances a word may be worth a thousand pictures.

In one of our chats, in February, Doug asked me if I knew what the term "nidic" meant. He claimed the word appeared in a business plan he was reviewing. I questioned the spelling as the word appeared in the chat window. "Are you sure it's nidic, and not Nidec?" I wote, querying the context in which the word had been used. "No, it's nidic" he replied, implying that the plan had indicated it referred to business protocol in cottage industries.

Not being readily familiar with the word, but having studied enough latin in my British schooling to know the root and having honed my "Octopussy" skills by this point in our relationship, while continuing the conversation in one chat screen, I quickly "googled" in another window to find it was an adjectival derived from,

nidus \Ni"dus\, n.; pl. nidi. ni·dus·es or ni·di (-d )[L. See Nidi, Nest.]
1. A nest or a repository for the eggs of birds, insects, etc.
2. A cavity where spores develop.
3. Pathology ~ A central point or focus of bacterial growth in a living organism; a breeding place.
4. A point or place at which something originates, accumulates, or develops, as the center around which salts of calcium, uric acid, or bile acid form calculi; the place or substance where parasites or the germs of a disease effect lodgment or are developed.

A term for a bird that remains in the nest after hatching until grown or nearly grown is nidicolous (often seen misspelled with a "u" rather than the "o") from the Latin nidus (nest) + cola (inhabitant). The antonym term is "nidifugous", from the Latin nidus (nest) + fugere (to flee).

In a business context, it seemed odd that the word nidic, with a distinctly biological theme, would appear! More specifically, it's a word that would be common in the vocabulary of either a microbiologist or an ornithologist, in fact. I would later learn, in October 2004, that this small word, nidic, its meaning and the reason it was used in text Doug was reviewing, would prove to be a very crucial key in the second episode in my life.

"like the clue in the labyrinth, or the compass in the night" ~ J. Joubert

Traversing forbidden territory

Once my corporate tax preparation had been delivered to the CPA, I'd enjoy a relaxed work schedule until spring. Doug had a remarkable ability, he claimed, to multi-task. Often reviewing contracts and data, while being active in our online discussions. We continued to chat regularly throughout the remaining weeks in February. Since his email of February 1, when Doug had shared his contact information with me and offered the invitation to join him in Tallahassee, I was mindful that he'd declared that he would depart for 90 days until my divorce was finalised because he had difficulty resisting the temptation to act upon some of the interests we would share in chat. We made a pact to try to keep conversation light and fluffy to try to relieve the sexual tension. Nonetheless, it was quite clear that neither of us could stay on course long before we'd find ourselves traversing forbidden turf and lapsing into territory where "La chair est faible" (the flesh is weak).


After Doug's Yahoo ID, Clark Reynolds, had been used by someone on ILW to continue the upheaval, when he logged on to try to post a reply to BS's post directed at him, he learned that his ID had been banned. "What!" I exclaimed. "Yes, that's right, ILW has banned my access. What's more irritating is that I was posting from both my office and the college where I teach, and so both IP nodes have been blocked and so no students at the college can post on ILW either. It's crazy!".

I asked what could be done about it and he claimed that other than having the tech set up a new IP node for his office, little could be done. He didn't intend to post on ILW in the future, and had taken a break from ILW after meeting me in January anyway. It was the principle that bothered him and he had wanted to clear up information posted about him by BS that was not correct. I agreed and offered to contact the webmaster at ILW to see if I could find out more, but we both suspected that perhaps this was one more bit of havoc created by the imposter.

And so, as the Publicus maxim goes, "Ut incepit fidelis sic permanet" ~ " Loyal as she began, so she remains", I agreed to craft a response, on his behalf, as soon as I could complete the necessary research on the matter. But first, a pointed email to the ILW administrator, querying why his ID had been banned would be necessary.

Far east or west?

esuming chat sessions at normal daily intervals and of typical 12-hour duration, in mid-February 2004, was a relief. Doug shared what he cited as the "good" and "bad" news. The "good" was that he would not be required to go to Japan on the contract after all, and would be required to oversee a project in San Diego instead. He expected to be in the field for 3 months beginning in March. I'd secretly planned that if he were required to be in Tokyo for a while, I'd make an impromptu visit, since I had never visited the Orient, yet had studied the culture and was somewhat fluent in the language. Also, I sensed that he was keen to take on the project but I was perhaps a little apprehensive of his being away so long. Of course I wouldn't just drop in unannounced, but hoped that once he was settled there he'd want some company.

The news that he wasn't going to be on another continent was a nice surprise and certainly a 3-hour time difference between east and west coast was manageable, as opposed to one of 14 or more hours in Japan. I welcomed the news, knowing that San Diego was but a small hop away.

The "bad" news was that he'd be heading out before the second week in March and the plans to join him aboard "Folie" would have to be postponed. She'd arrived in Tallahassee with a cracked hull and would be in dry dock for at least 30 days under repair. Nonetheless, I knew that once his project on the West coast was completed, she'd be ready to sail again and I'd be contently and finally divorced. All in all, it seemed as if things would move forward nicely.

Our chats became once again steeped with longing. Many a night in late February we'd find ourselves chatting as dawn would break. Somehow the rigors of work and the long nights spent learning about each other and relishing what we had yet to discover when together in person was not at all exhausting. Once tucked into bed after logging off for the night, well perhaps morning, I'd reflect on the descriptions Doug had shared of long bubble baths, and strawberry oil, candles, soft sweet caresses and... well let's simply say I was also curious to see this distinguishing feature he'd described to me and to witness and experience a man of such virtual passion in person.

Ne fais pas à autrui ce que tu ne voudrais qu'on te fît

I was wrong; clearly wrong. At the time I didn't realise it, or, perhaps, it was that I didn't wish to readily admit it. Uncertainty can create tensions, where tensions don't belong. And that gives rise to pointing a finger at someone who is not at fault, to try to make sense out of nonsense.

Such was the case with the online acquaintance I'd developed with a member of the Famous Five, "Dick". After his lengthy chat with Doug, things had seemed to go horribly awry between us and although the following days showed our online chatting to return to its normal mode, I couldn't help but think the reason for the temporary hiccup might have been due to something discussed that night. Then there was the knowledge that I had been accused of having some sort of mental disorder, which was clearly not the case. I could understand speculation that could have ensued surrounding the choice of my moniker, swissnut, used on the ILW news group. Needless to say, I thought that from the very beginning I'd shared with the clan that it was not used to denote that *I* was crazy about Swiss people, but had been DF's eBay bidding name and corresponding Yahoo email address that he'd abandoned when surreptitiously communicating with KMC. I'd used it to register on ILW after DF disappeared in mid year 2003. Regardless, it was possible that this explanation had been dismissed by "Dick", and other notions considered, since he had a propensity for thinking he was qualified to come to pyschological conclusions about others, citing his practice sufficient to prepare him to do so.

Nonetheless, I mistakenly thought "Dick" was responsible for planting such a crazy notion in Doug's head. From that point forth, there was a flurry of emails exchanged between "Dick" and me that were admittedly inappropriate, in retrospect, but nonetheless necessary at the time to try to patch up any doubts that had been created in Doug with respect to my loyalty as a friend.

It had come to my knowledge that Doug sensed I was representing trust and loyalty directly to him, but stating to others in the group that I doubted he was genuine. This was not at all true. Doug had asked me trust and to bear with him as he was very guarded about his personal life and privacy, due to past experiences. I understood all of that and was prepared to move slowly and at a pace that was completely comfortable for him. During discussions about the imposter on ILW, when "Dick" had said he suspected our own "Julian" to be the imposter, I had simply said that if that were at all possible then what would that say about the friendship that had developed between Doug and me, and it would devastate me to learn that I had been mislead again.

Somehow my words were either convoluted during a third party conversation about the matter, or I had not expressed myself clearly. Either way, I was of the opinion that "Dick" was at the root of the upheaval. My interest was to protect an online friendship with Doug that meant a great deal to me, but it was wrong of me to doubt another without clear evidence that he was responsible. During the next few weeks, I tried to clear up the misunderstanding and make amends with "Dick". I'm not sure if I was successful with my apologies, but I soon recognised my error and that it was necessary to remember the adage,

Do unto others as you'd wish they should do unto you

Bonum ad virum cito moritur iracundia

ctually, I'd be less than honest if I didn't admit that it hurt deeply to receive that short and very pointed email from Doug. When visiting ILW later that day, I'd see something that would both shock me and serve to provide a possible reason for his cool behaviour with me. Doug's Yahoo chat ID name was different from the moniker he'd used posting on ILW. Only those that had chatted with him would know his Yahoo messenger identity, and yet, there on ILW was a post purportedly made in that name querying an immigration issue that seemed to be similar to the circumstances that surrounded my marriage to an alien. I knew that he had no immigration concern, so I knew he didn't make that post, but that meant it could only have been made by someone who was familiar with his Yahoo identity.

Was it entirely possible that someone wished to discredit him, or, even worse make it appear as if it was I that was making a mockery of him? Why would anyone wish to do something like this?

I dashed off an email to him, explaining that I appreciated our relationship and valued the honesty we'd shared, and would never resort to place that in jeopardy, hoping that he'd know enough of me to believe it. In the month of contact and more than 400 hours of chatting, I'd shared many personal details of my life and family that I would never share with anyone else. Details that were not for public knowledge and facts that my family would never conscion mentioning to anyone else. In turn, Doug had shared with me similar information about his circumstances that was confidential and it was this innate respect for each other that was one element of the deep bond that had developed between us. I hoped he would recognise my loyalty to that bond.

An email from him that arrived later that same day would confirm that he did acknowledge those qualities in me, but the drama that was developing on the ILW message board was concerning and he didn't know whom he could trust. Betrayal causes us to question many things, understandably so.

With the good man anger is quick to die.

We'd chat later that night and for the first time in a week or more our conversations returned to their typical warm and carefree discourse. It danced from one topic to the next; when serious, it was intellectual, anecdotal and factual; when not, it was filled with witty quips, double entendres and laced with laissez-faire sexual energy. Chatting with Doug was effortless, enjoyable and we seemed to 'click' on so many planes.

Amicum an nomen habeas

It would be February 16th before I would hear from Doug again. In the meantime, I was startled that I had been left hanging on Friday night while he chatted with "Dick", the good doctor, in an effort to clear up the misunderstanding and that my instant messages from the weekend went unanswered. I was concerned, naturally, but relieved mid-day on Monday to see an email in my inbox after returning from a business luncheon meeting.

To my dismay when I opened it, instead of the typical warm and caring salutation and enquiry of my day so far, there was just one solitary sentence followed by a hyperlink. "At the risk of offending you, please have a look at the following link..." Sure enough the link was to a clinical description of BiPolar Disorder.

My heart sunk and I felt so sickened that my hands trembled as I drafted the subsequent instant message. "Hi Doug, I'm sorry, I don't understand. What's this all about?" An hour passed before I received notification of yet another email in my inbox. This one a little more lengthy, explaining that he and the good doctor had discussed me into the wee hours of the morning and had arrived at the conclusion that I needed to find help, and "sooner rather than later".

"Dick" was one of us ~ a member of the "Famous Five" ILW clan. Could it be that I had always considered "Dick" a friend, and he wasn't? And more importantly, what could have been discussed about me that would cause Doug to think this way of me?

A friend or one only in name.

Hostile habitat

nce I'd been served the petition for divorce by DF in October 2002, I was advised, by my counsel, to cease using any joint banking accounts. During the nearly 4 month separation I'd opened a separate checking account to track marital obligations that I was satisfying alone, such as the mortgage, car payments, insurance, property taxes and the utility payments.

When DF returned to the home, purportedly to reconcile, I was concerned about the evidence we'd be required to submit with the form I-751 later that spring. He'd been gone for almost 4 months during the separation, and prior to that he'd never contributed his earnings to our joint accounts. Consequently, shortly after his return I informed the bank that we would be resuming use of the joint account and transferred the balances from my private accounts back into the joint account and began using that once more to establish bona fides for presentation when we filed to remove the conditions on his residency. This would pose significant problems upon his abrupt departure once again in June 2003.

After DF filed for divorce the second time, the joint account was once again frozen with all funds in it, upon advice from our respective attorneys. I was left managing all of the marital debts and expenses from my income alone. This, in itself, was not difficult, but the additional expense of legal services, counselling and a sizeable stock option that was maturing and requiring payment early in 2004, placed an enormous crunch on cash flow. I was forced to limit luxuries completely, and had to conserve on expenses dramatically. My territory is very cold in winter and I found myself cancelling services for television, long distance phone service and had to cut out all forms of entertainment entirely. It was a struggle, to say the least, and I often sacrificed heat and hot water, to ease the burden of the large gas bills for winter. I approached the issue with an eye to it being quite temporary. After all, I'd be divorced in April 2004, just two months hence, and could return to a sense of normalcy then.

Relations with my family were still strained. They were angry with me for attempting to reconcile and therefore contact was limited to the odd birthday or national holiday, and even then, I'd make a cameo appearance for a few minutes to retire to my hostile habitat once more, just to keep the peace.

Given that compromise to my normal lifestyle and no companionship at all in the area, Doug's absence and lack of contact for the entire Valentine's Day weekend was all the more disappointing and left me feeling extremely isolated.

Aleator quanto in arte est melior tanto est nequior

nder the auspices that he wanted to spare litigation that he claimed would be uneventful and unsuccessful for me anyway, DF made contact by email on Valentine's Day. He asserted that he'd gain all of the remaining assets, or at least 50% of them upon divorce, pursuant to the Agreements he'd cajoled me to sign while he was purportedly reconciling the marriage. That's the reconciliation he feigned whilst enjoying his illicit affair with KMC, making certain that any query or intervention from me would be the perfect reason to accuse me of failing to forgive and provide the trust necessary for rebuilding the marriage.

DF had a knack for choosing perfect timing. The prior year I'd been stood up for a planned dinner, while he dashed off to make KMC's evening "satisfying". In this incoming email, the first direct contact I'd received from DF since his disappearance, he demanded that I give him an additional $10,000 to avoid a process that he threatened he'd make very "nasty" and "dirty". Hah! As if I hadn't already learned that he would continue to sup from the "cocoon" he'd wrapped me in and take all that he could and be "ugly and dirty" about it anyway. All I could determine from the email was that it was sent from the laptop computer belonging to our jointly-owned business which he'd taken some 5 months earlier and failed to return. Presumably, from the ISP information, he was in the same town.

"Aleator quanto in arte est melior tanto est nequior. The cleaverer the gamester, the greater his knavery."

I chose to ignore DF's email. Besides, I had much more pressing and certainly much more enjoyable interests to focus on that day.

The terminal building was buzzing with activity from morn until late night. This day is traditionally one of our most active days and this year was no exception. We serviced a record number of guests and on frequent trips downstairs from my office complex, I scanned the crowds hoping to see a familiar face amongst the group of patrons. By this time, I had Doug's image well memorised from the photographs he'd provided. Albeit rather small, and supposedly harvested from his personal website as he claimed, they were adequate enough for me to be able to see enough detail that would set him apart from a crowd, instantaneously.

Although from Florida, his skin tone was not overly tanned ~ his complexion fair on the whole. His closely cropped dark brown hair featured no sideburns to speak of. He had crystal clear eyes, yes, piercing eyes focused on a subject like a hawk with straight fine-haired brows that served as the baseline to the strong plane of his forehead. Although the photos I had were a little small to make a clear distinction, he appeared to have either a dime-sized birthmark or a small dimple or impression on his left cheek which caught the light of the camera, just underneath the cheek bone. His ears were distinct too, with slightly exaggerated lower lobes. But the smile that was broad and inviting, exposed somewhat elongated front teeth, with a either a slightly perceptible gap or a shadow between the two fronts. His most distinguishing facial feature was a long, straight and pronounced nose.


Standing 6' tall, at approximately 195 lbs, he was an avid runner and had spoken of running as a form of relaxation. I could see from his picture, well the one which was a full body view, that his legs were toned in the calves and thighs. The backdrop appeared to be the Grand Canyon, although I've never been, it was rugged terrain. He wore a t-shirt with a motif on it that spelled out MacKenzie Challenge. I suspect it was a running event, perhaps in Florida somewhere. His skin appeared to be fine and smooth, the body hair on his arms and legs, almost down like in nature. He wore a gold signet type ring on his right ring finger (he said it was his grandfather's) and a watch on his left wrist that featured a black strap and appeared to have a rather intricate digital feature, ideal for timing accuracy. And were I to overhear him speaking, well there'd be no mistaking him. His unique voice had been permanently etched in my mind.

I was convinced that the reason I'd not received my morning offline was because he was here, in my town. He'd related many times that he was a non-conformist, and didn't do much according to convention. He preferred to surprise, rather than to perform on queue. I scanned the crowd thoroughly.

Ne Iuppiter quidem omnibus placet

emarkably, at 10:00PM on Friday night, I had just begun to draft a reply to an offline I'd received from Doug when another appeared on my computer screen. He'd completed his contract earlier in the afternoon and had promised to take his employees out for a celebration dinner to reward then for meeting the deadline. Big bonuses were in order to all that had assisted with the project.

"How did you know I was typing you a message????" he asked and I joked that I had ESP. The employees had gone bonkers after learning that each was getting a $25,000 bonus and I quipped that I'd like to work for his company, after all, I was constantly meeting deadlines and could find wonderful ways to put that kind of money to good use.

Doug had received an offline from "Dick" that day, asking why Doug had been ex-communicado. I was asked if "Dick" was angry for any reason and replied that I didn't think so, but that these lingering doubts were causing some unnecessary friction between the group.

OK, mistake number one: Never mention something that you know you will be asked to follow up on, and shouldn't. Doug asked me to explain and admittedly it was difficult. I'm a pacificist at heart, and I'm also one that believes in honesty amongst friends and yet I felt horrible that a tight group of people could come unravelled so easily. What does that say of loyalty? I also knew that Doug was troubled by the speculation that he could be at the root of the ILW drama and I felt it best to address that right away so that the parties could come together to settle the matter head-on. I didn't wish to represent "Dick's" views, but Doug is tenacious and pressed for me to ellaborate. Eventually, I complied and pasted a couple of lines from the chat "Dick" and I had had during the week, where he had suggested his hypothesis that Doug may be the imposter. It incited Doug to contact "Dick" on a separate chat screen, to query. I waited.

After several hours of no contact from Doug, I sent an instant message to him asking what was going on. He replied that he was discussing the matter with "Dick" and was sorry for leaving me hanging. After sufficient time elapsed to indicate that I was not going to be invited into the chat, I zipped off another message saying that I hoped he understood that I didn't wish for anything to come between any of us, and that I hoped they'd resolve the issue. Doug replied "He is just trying to explain his point of view without offending either one of us. I am sorry for leaving you hanging like this.Yes, that is very thoughtful of you. You don't need to justify anything you did. I know who you are and what you stand for."

I said good night, fully expecting that in the morning the clan would be once more returned to the cohesive and tightly-knit group we had enjoyed before the imposter appeared on the scene. I would be mistaken.

It is hard to please all parties.

"Five Try to Nab the Culprit"

uring the second week of February 2004, the ILW clan engaged in a group chat again. The "Famous Five" would only be four in this instance as "Julian" (Doug) was obviously indisposed with his contracts until Friday of that week. Nonetheless "Dick", the good doctor, "George" the tomboy and "Anne" and I reviewed all potential suspects. Activity on the ILW message board by the Roanoke imposter had subsided, in fact, most havoc happened on a couple of nights in late January. The consensus of the group was that the culprit had either infiltrated our group (my view) or was one of us (theirs). Arriving at no unanimous conclusion, the doctor and I continued the discussion long after the others had said good night. We were at odds in our views.

"Dick" presented a number of reasons why he suspected none other than our own "Julian" (Doug). Astonished that he could contemplate that Doug was responsible I listened intently. Numerous factors were presented to corroborate his conclusion ~ some had significant merit, others appeared to me to be quite a stretch.

The thought that Doug was at the root of the ILW drama concerned me. Could it be at all possible? "Dick" noted the times of the imposter's presence on the ILW board and proposed it could easily have been "Julian", as he'd not been in contact with the group at all that night, but I knew that "Julian" (Doug) had been busy entertaining the Japanese businessmen during that timeframe. I was unwilling to accept "Dick's" hypothesis, so he went on to explain in more detail how he believed it was not only possible, but probable.

I felt a little ill-at-ease towards the end of our chat. It was conceivable, but then what would that say of the intergrity of my close friend? Doug had denied any involvement all along. I shared with "Dick" that if Doug was the imposter, then what should I think of the personal feelings that had been exchanged between us? Doug knew I had been deeply betrayed, he had shown a significant amount of compassion and his entire reason for meeting me arose out of a sense of guilt for being harsh with me, without thinking about how vulnerable I was. If there was a chance that he hadn't been honest about the Mystery of Roanoke, could it be possible that the rest was not true as well? "Dick" shared his take on the matter, which was not at all comforting and not at all respectful of "Julian", especially in his absence. We logged off in the early hours of the morning.

I would be a little restless until I heard from Doug on Friday. I was disappointed that the others didn't support Doug the way I did, but then they didn't know him as I did. He'd confided only in me, up to this point and had good reason to be wary and protect his identity. I was anxious to clear up the misunderstanding amongst the group. It was time to rule out and dispell any and all doubts.

Winged cupid

I was anxious for Friday to arrive. The weeks prior, without much chatting time I was certainly missing the companionship. All preparations for the upcoming holiday weekend had been made well in advance of Friday and my company was poised for our events. We'd be full on Saturday ~ a big day for us. Thursday night I stayed late at the office knowing that Doug would be wrapped up with his project the following day and then we'd have a whole weekend to catch up on things.

Surely, as expected, he checked in with me on Friday just prior to posting his contract in FedEx. It was great to see his online message pop on my screen. I was all smiles. Having to dash to catch the last post for the day, he promised we'd chat later that evening. I headed home through a two-foot snowfall that had accumulated during the day, the chilly air couldn't pierce the warm feeling I had inside. During the past week his emails had been so welcome. He'd apologised for having to go "cold turkey" for a week or more to get his work done, and had admitted, in retrospect, that it might have been easier on both of us if we'd simply agreed to keep our daily chat to an hour at maximum. Nonetheless, he was happy it was behind him and we would have time to be together again.

While waiting for our chat session, thoughts raced through my mind of his earlier email invitation to Florida for this weekend and how I'd alarmed him with my response. Knowing how unconventional he was, I wouldn't be suprised if Valentine's Day was not a holiday he celebrated. He'd told me once that he didn't subscribe to the festivities that some "marketing bloke on Madison Avenue dreamed up" just to drive sales. Yet, inside, despite my answer that it'd be better to delay meeting until after my divorce, I was hoping he'd surprise me show up here in the Great White North this weekend. anyway. I was prepared to vanish from the office at a moment's notice and play out the sensual bathtub fantasies we'd shared. The prospect of meeting him was tantalising. I'd spent many a night with him on the beaches in Fiji, but here was a chance (if I wasn't mistaken) where he could really surprise me and we'd have a chance to play out all the dream-filled imagery in person.

Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,

and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind

~ Shakespeare

The Beagle and Darwin’s Finches

Ecology is, in simple terms, the science that investigates the profusion and distribution of organisms and the interaction between both the physical and biotic environment. The habitat of an organism governs its suitability and the reaction to that organism’s ecological setting is contingent upon its genetic make up ~ a product of evolution.
G. Evelyn Hutchinson’s work, The Ecological Theater and the Evolutionary Play describes this interplay between the science of ecology and evolution.

Darwin’s second voyage of the Beagle arrived on the Galápagos Islands in September 1835. The Archipelago is a cluster of 13 islands about 600 miles west of Ecuador. This archipelago is volcanic and quite possibly mantle plume, or columns of hot rock rising from under the earth’s crust. More seismic activity is witnessed on the western part of the archipelago, where the youngest of the 13 islands are located. On these young islands earthquakes and lava flows are commonplace. There are two distinct seasons on the Galapagos. The dry season (July to December)is noted by fog and mist that hovers on higher elevations. Most rainfall occurs in March and April and the hot season runs from January through June. Seasonal change varies relative to weather and oceanographic conditions. Each island exhibits slight variance in physical environment and vegetation, due to its geographic location, size and geomorphology.

Darwin discovered that 13 species of finches inhabited the Archipelago. A member of the Passerene group, the subfamily Geospizinae of the finch family tend not to fly over water as a general rule, and so populations on one island would be, for the most part, isolated from populations on another island. Seeds comprise a large percentage of the finch’s natural diet. The finch’s bill or beak is used to crack the seeds, prior to consumption, however, the ability to crack various seeds is predicated on the size of the bill.

Vegetation varies with the season, thus seeds vary in size, relative to plant variety and abundance. Environmental factors would predicate the avilability and size of the seeds ~ some season plants would produce large seeds, and alternatively, at times they'd produce smaller seeds. But in order to survive, finches must secure nourishment and since they have only the local habitat within which to forage, they must live off the availability of food and develop coping mechanisms, to remain alive.

Remarkably, these finches developed distinct anatomical changes, most notably in the size and shape of their beaks and their behaviour. The finches beak adapted so that it could be used to crack seeds in one region, or probe for nectar imn another or forage for insects where they were the abundant source of nourishment. Yet, all finches on the Galapagos had evolved from a single species of ground-dwelling finch in South America. A diverse species had formed relative to habitat and food source ~ ground and tree-dwelling seed eaters and tree-dwelling insect eaters. This became the subject of further research on Darwin’s natural selection and adaptive radiation.

Camarhynchus pallidus, or the Woodpecker Finch, uses a twig or cactus spine as a foraging tool. Typically, woodpeckers use a long tongue to retrieve insects, but this finch uses the tool to compensate for its short tongue. The tool is manipulated to dislodge insect prey from trees. A superbly intelligent and talented bird, it even carefully selects a twig or a cactus spine according to shape, size and the particular need.

So how does this discussion of ecology and Geospizinae morphology have to do with this story? Of course, the process described above takes place over generations, so I’m naturally taking some license here in suggesting that this could be apparent in a short timeframe. Nonetheless, survival is predicated upon fitness ~ fitness of the consumer, be it the primary or secondary consumer. An organism adapts to its environment in order to continue to be successful in securing required nourishment. In the case of a more hostile environment, a successful or fit species develops different traits to accomplish this. As with the woodpecker finch, when neither the bill nor the tongue is naturally adequate enough to survive, he employs a device, scavenged from its habitat, to use as a tool.

Morphology

houlders to the grindstone for more than a week, both Doug and I felt like celebrating when we finally came up for air. I was heading towards an important and large revenue-producing weekend in my business operations that required some intensive preparation and he'd just completed only one of the two contracts that were at deadline. Consequently, we decided to celebrate for one night by chatting.

I'd been asked to furnish more photographs to Doug. He'd scientifically analysed them and reported on his scientific profile of me. I'd done basically the same with his and asked about the signet ring he was wearing in one photograph taken in what appeared to be the Grand Canyon. "Man you're observant" he commented. "That's my Grandfather's ring". We chuckled. We were, indeed, two peas in a pod and looked at many things in the same way.

Both fascinated with language, I'd come to refer to him sometimes as "prose pro". He had a penchant for correct choice of words, spelling and syntax and we agreed that both of us could get a little pedantic, well, perhaps anal would be a more appropriate reference at times. Our online chats often lapsed into discourse of the differences between American-English and British-English mainly due to the interest we both had in vocabulary, grammar and proper syntax.

He was in the science and technology field, but was surprised to learn that I was somewhat familiar with the field. He picked up on my knowledge of "prions", claiming that it was not something the "average Joe" would know. Neither of us missed much ~ we both had an acuity for detail.

The chat was, as usual, refreshing, convivial and rife with unrestricted sensual energy. In the wee hours of the morning, with still much work to complete before the weekend, we logged off. It would be "back to business" until Friday night. Once nestled snugly in bed, I'd reminisce on the conversations and the sound of his deep, crystal clear voice resonating from the speakers of my computer and quickly drifted into dreams of us exploring Madagascar or some exotic land filled with unique flora and fauna.