The ILW connection

aturally, one could question if this was just a case of a short marriage gone wrong or a more baleful case of two people engaging in and perpetrating fraud. I know that outsiders could purport that there are many relationships that fall to adultery, and could it not be entirely possible that this situation was no different. There was certainly evidence that could suggest that the only purpose for the reconciliation of the marriage was to secure financial benefits that DF would not necessarily have been afforded through the course of terminating a marriage of less than 2 years. There's also the issue of the immigration benefit ~ something that had equal value to KMC as it did to DF. She had openly stated that she would not move to Europe, so DF's permanent residency was critical to their continued relationship.

For immigration purposes, the only criterion required to secure permanent residency is that the alien beneficiary's intent upon entering the marriage was not solely for immigration benefit. Indeed, the actions of both of them through the reconciliation period did point very clearly to a plan, but when was that plan first conspired? As I stated earlier in this journal, I would learn later in 2003 what DF's state of mind was on our wedding day. But for now, I questioned if there was enough evidence to support a theory that I'd heard countless times from my family ~ that the entire marriage had been wrought with deception and that DF had ulterior and unspoken motives when we married.

After his departure, I searched for a psychologist to meet with. I'd been subjected to so much emotional abuse that I felt unsafe and terribly confused and vulnerable. Deception plays awful tricks on the victim. I'd been asked to restore trust after an affair, and it was that very trust that had permitted the dynamic duo to affect their objectives and for me to lose the support of my family. I questioned everything and yet I knew that trust is essential in any relationship and wanted to feel able to trust again and emerge from this episode as unscarred as possible. I recognised that my marriage was over and although I was disappointed reconciled myself to accepting that fact and prepared to move forward from this incident. During those counselling sessions I was plagued with one crucial question. I'd met a wonderful man that had turned into a monster. So which man was the real man, and which the illusion?

December 2003, after counselling for a period of six months, I experienced an epiphany. I was finally able, with the help of my counsellor, to identify not only the answer to my question, but also to better profile DF as a person. I'd been a pawn in a game. Nothing more. I was an object that had served its purpose, and when exhausted of purpose, I was totally dispensable. I had been rendered to that of an inanimate object. We together reached a place where, without hesitation, I could say that the good guy never existed. And my counsellor aptly put it to me this way. "El, a bad man can masquerade as a good guy any time, but no good guy could ever subject someone like you to the terror he has. The real DF is the bad guy, and the good, gentle, quiet man is the illusion".

Even in the most acrimonious divorces, after time, anger subsides and parties reach a point where civility resumes. I'd been gracious in the whole process, but DF's hostility continued, visceral and vehement.

Anxious to close this chapter in my life, and with no other outlet or support structure within reach, ILW was a vital place for information and possibly a place for comfort and friendship. Or was it?