The knowledge that Doug was feeling emotionally overwhelmed caused me to press on with my work the last two days in February. Strangely, there were no offline messages from him during this time, and even though I was wondering how he was doing I didn't make contact hoping that he would appreciate the space.
I reflected on a situation earlier in the month when he was up against a big deadline at work. We'd not chatted for a number of days, and I was having a devil of a time with my computer that culminated in calling in tech support to work on it. Consequently, two days had passed without contact. Having heard nothing from me, Doug sent an email to me that read....
"I miss you terribly and I wish I could get this work out of the way so we could chat again. But, I don't dare look at messenger or ILW for fear that I'll get sucked in for more time. I'm sure this must seem unfair to you. I hope you can understand why I have had to get tough with myself. But, I really wish you would email back so I know you are not mad at me or something. If you are, I'd like to hear back just so I know you are at least getting my emails. Hugs ".
Similarly, after a two day respite at the end of February, suddenly in the afternoon an IM popped on my screen with the following message from him "You've been awfully silent - how are things? Haven't heard from ya in days... I replied, "How are your burned fingers? Better? Just trying to give you space, that's all...."
The thought that he could at any time perceive my contact as pressure or doubt my motives would be a great disappointment....but then there was the tidbit of information that "Dick" had shared with me, over which I had ruminated for the last 2 days that was both very difficult to believe and accept and worrying to the point that I'd been in touch with "Dick" by email to try to understand the basis upon which it had been offered.
I was trying not to telegraph any concern, but Doug sensed some anyway that afternoon. I didn't want any uncertainty between us when he left. I shared that I'd learnt something from "Dick" that was disconcerting, but didn't really wish to discuss it, let alone consider it. He pressed me to reveal, claiming that if something had upset me it mattered "big time" to him. I didn't wish to cause any trouble between them again, as I had, inadvertently, in the past, and hoped the matter would be dropped. Doug was insistent so I shared that "Dick" had revealed that Doug had never cared for me, that it was all in my mind.
Doug was quite annoyed that anything he had said would be charcterised in such a way, and asked me to contemplate the possibility that it was a third party interpretation.
"El, you should be able to determine the validity of those statements. If after all of the lengthy discussion, you cannot determine fact from fiction then I can do nothing but disappear forever. If someone said to you 'Your mother never loved you'. You would dismiss and move on. Please bear my analogy in mind."
"You are a good person. Let's just say there are many other things in my life that I have not discussed, nor that I wish to discuss at this juncture. If there comes a time that our paths cross, I will share some of that with you and you will understand my trepidation. I know a lot doesn't make sense now but you don't even know 1/4 of my story. My actions would be more interpretable if you knew more."
We continued to chat for a while and then he announced that he had a dinner appointment to prepare for at 19:30 and would have to rush. I wished him a pleasant evening, and we logged off.
Later that evening, carefully crafted and reviewed during our earlier conversation that day, I posted the reply to BS on the ILW message board, and sent a quick instant message to Doug alerting him that the reply was now "live".
I reflected on a situation earlier in the month when he was up against a big deadline at work. We'd not chatted for a number of days, and I was having a devil of a time with my computer that culminated in calling in tech support to work on it. Consequently, two days had passed without contact. Having heard nothing from me, Doug sent an email to me that read....
"I miss you terribly and I wish I could get this work out of the way so we could chat again. But, I don't dare look at messenger or ILW for fear that I'll get sucked in for more time. I'm sure this must seem unfair to you. I hope you can understand why I have had to get tough with myself. But, I really wish you would email back so I know you are not mad at me or something. If you are, I'd like to hear back just so I know you are at least getting my emails. Hugs ".
Similarly, after a two day respite at the end of February, suddenly in the afternoon an IM popped on my screen with the following message from him "You've been awfully silent - how are things? Haven't heard from ya in days... I replied, "How are your burned fingers? Better? Just trying to give you space, that's all...."
The thought that he could at any time perceive my contact as pressure or doubt my motives would be a great disappointment....but then there was the tidbit of information that "Dick" had shared with me, over which I had ruminated for the last 2 days that was both very difficult to believe and accept and worrying to the point that I'd been in touch with "Dick" by email to try to understand the basis upon which it had been offered.
I was trying not to telegraph any concern, but Doug sensed some anyway that afternoon. I didn't want any uncertainty between us when he left. I shared that I'd learnt something from "Dick" that was disconcerting, but didn't really wish to discuss it, let alone consider it. He pressed me to reveal, claiming that if something had upset me it mattered "big time" to him. I didn't wish to cause any trouble between them again, as I had, inadvertently, in the past, and hoped the matter would be dropped. Doug was insistent so I shared that "Dick" had revealed that Doug had never cared for me, that it was all in my mind.
Doug was quite annoyed that anything he had said would be charcterised in such a way, and asked me to contemplate the possibility that it was a third party interpretation.
"El, you should be able to determine the validity of those statements. If after all of the lengthy discussion, you cannot determine fact from fiction then I can do nothing but disappear forever. If someone said to you 'Your mother never loved you'. You would dismiss and move on. Please bear my analogy in mind."
"You are a good person. Let's just say there are many other things in my life that I have not discussed, nor that I wish to discuss at this juncture. If there comes a time that our paths cross, I will share some of that with you and you will understand my trepidation. I know a lot doesn't make sense now but you don't even know 1/4 of my story. My actions would be more interpretable if you knew more."
We continued to chat for a while and then he announced that he had a dinner appointment to prepare for at 19:30 and would have to rush. I wished him a pleasant evening, and we logged off.
Later that evening, carefully crafted and reviewed during our earlier conversation that day, I posted the reply to BS on the ILW message board, and sent a quick instant message to Doug alerting him that the reply was now "live".
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