To fright a bird is not the way to catch it.
On ne prend pas les oiseaux à la tartarelle.
Pamela Brewer, PhD describes the enormity of the reaction to "betrayal". It’s one thing to be disappointed, saddened, and unhappy; but it’s altogether another to have been betrayed and lied to in a way that is humiliating; defiled by someone whom you trusted ~ someone in whom you placed your belief, your hopes, perhaps your love. Perhaps it is in the enormity of the false representation, or the complexity of the subterfuge, or the completeness with which the trust was given that determines how a future after betrayal will manifest itself…
Trust is a gift. That you would trust and honor you both with one of the greatest gifts one human can offer to another, makes the betrayer the person who is sorely lacking and the quality of the perceived connection between the parties that determines whether the injustice feels like betrayal or simply an unpleasant event or behavior.
We've all experienced, at one time, someone you feel no particular connection to that promises to do something and later fails to follow-through. No doubt the reaction might be upset, disappointment, even anger. But the despair so often associated with betrayal comes only when the experience is one of a profound, wrenching violation of your faith in another. The sense of betrayal can be accompanied by a self-anger, a new/renewed distrust of self, a new/renewed fear of self, and the decision-making skills you possess.
Knowing and having experienced betrayal at its worst at the hand of DF and KMC, was the very reason that I could empathise with Doug and his occasional fear of emotional vulnerability. He'd been involved with a bikini model for some years, and when his work often took him out of town for months at end he'd returned to learn that she had taken up with another. As he termed it, she was leaving for the airport to travel to Hawaii with her new found love. It was devastating for him.
I could understand the concern to find out that anyone he was becoming involved with was genuine and not attracted to him for the wrong reasons. I was willing and prepared to take it slowly and earn his trust. Towards the end of February, knowing he would be on the road again for a number of months, although it was a little disconcerting to read his words, I knew that time would show him that I was not going to ever take advantage of his vulnerability.
"The waters have become a little choppy" he said, using the analogy of a yacht attempting to moor in the harbour. He was feeling a little ill-prepared for any emotional ups and downs and went on to say "I need to sail out to sea until the waters are calmer". I hoped, in the next few weeks before he left for San Diego, to show him that there was no reason to be concerned or to feel uncomfortable about emotional vulnerability. I would help him guide the vessel safely to shore.
Trust is a gift. That you would trust and honor you both with one of the greatest gifts one human can offer to another, makes the betrayer the person who is sorely lacking and the quality of the perceived connection between the parties that determines whether the injustice feels like betrayal or simply an unpleasant event or behavior.
We've all experienced, at one time, someone you feel no particular connection to that promises to do something and later fails to follow-through. No doubt the reaction might be upset, disappointment, even anger. But the despair so often associated with betrayal comes only when the experience is one of a profound, wrenching violation of your faith in another. The sense of betrayal can be accompanied by a self-anger, a new/renewed distrust of self, a new/renewed fear of self, and the decision-making skills you possess.
Knowing and having experienced betrayal at its worst at the hand of DF and KMC, was the very reason that I could empathise with Doug and his occasional fear of emotional vulnerability. He'd been involved with a bikini model for some years, and when his work often took him out of town for months at end he'd returned to learn that she had taken up with another. As he termed it, she was leaving for the airport to travel to Hawaii with her new found love. It was devastating for him.
I could understand the concern to find out that anyone he was becoming involved with was genuine and not attracted to him for the wrong reasons. I was willing and prepared to take it slowly and earn his trust. Towards the end of February, knowing he would be on the road again for a number of months, although it was a little disconcerting to read his words, I knew that time would show him that I was not going to ever take advantage of his vulnerability.
"The waters have become a little choppy" he said, using the analogy of a yacht attempting to moor in the harbour. He was feeling a little ill-prepared for any emotional ups and downs and went on to say "I need to sail out to sea until the waters are calmer". I hoped, in the next few weeks before he left for San Diego, to show him that there was no reason to be concerned or to feel uncomfortable about emotional vulnerability. I would help him guide the vessel safely to shore.
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